SCOOP! An Evening with Ivanka Trump


SCOOP! An Evening with Ivanka Trump

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

While her father was making time in his schedule to insult “red Indians”, Ivanka Trump was busy cracking a deal with a different kind of Indian. Weedward and Bongstein, the world’s finest journalists, were standing outside a bangle shop in Hyderabad where the National Advisor to the US President was attempting to solicit cheap labour for her upcoming multi-million dollar business venture. It’s called  “Daddy Tissues” and the plan, she told us candidly, is to sell tissue paper to people with low self-esteem at exorbitant rates. Clearly the apple, in this case, doesn’t fall far from the tree.

At some point during her conversation, in which she pronounced the word “choodi” in an unfortunate way up to three times, she was distracted by a local woman buying groceries. “You there. Let me empower you,” she told the woman, creepily. “I am a great entrepreneur.” Amazed by this interest shown by a person with white skin, the woman nodded her head frantically. Fake candids with the bangle-seller and other local Hyderabadi people were clicked in an attempt to convince the world that America’s First Daughter is just like anyone else, before the crew moved to the Falaknuma Palace for the big dinner with Prime Minister Modi.

The Falaknuma Palace had been decked up for the occasion and seemed whiter than a Trump rally. Apart from beggars and nuisance creators, even flies and mosquitoes had disappeared from the area. The God of Small Talk, Narendra Modi broke the ice with a F.R.I.E.N.D.S. reference this time around as he greeted Ivanka with, “Hey, how you doin’?” Ivanka had clearly done her homework and fired back with “Maja ma!” and both laughed giddily at having delivered their punchlines in terrible accents.

The Prime Minister was spotted secretly hoping no one saw him commit the culinary crime of having veg biryani in Hyderabad

However, the five-course meal that was served had more diversity than the Trumps are comfortable with. As Ivanka stuffed herself butter chicken and naan, the Prime Minister was spotted secretly hoping no one saw him commit the culinary crime of having veg biryani in Hyderabad. Jared was staring suspiciously at the jhoomar in the hall, trying to figure out how much it would cost if they got the Mexicans to make a similar one.

At the end of it, Modi and Ivanka shook hands so that the press could click more pictures, which was followed by a moment of awkward social interaction on whether to go for a hug or not. The Prime Minister looked like he was trying to control his natural reflex for a moment, but then decided to just go for it. Ivanka seemed as uncomfortable as the time she had to defend her father’s locker-room talk on the news.

On our way out of the Falaknuma Palace, we asked our rickshaw-wallah his opinion on Ivanka Trump, to which he replied, “I hope she comes every day, at least the streets will be clean.”