By Weedward and Bongstein Oct. 31, 2016
Some top-notch investigative reporting from the sidelines of the most lit party in town. Warning: Number 1 will blow your mind!
The world’s foremost investigative journalists Weedward & Bongstein were invited to a private Halloween party hosted by the rich and famous last weekend. Obviously, W&B can’t divulge the names of the host because gentlemen don’t kiss and tell. After much deliberation and hours of watching Alien vs Predator vs Freddy vs Jason vs Sharknado, they finally decided on what they thought would make the scariest costume – clickbait listicle writers.
The party was attended by a shocking number of people. But you’re never going to believe the five celebrities W&B saw there. To find out how number 3 is connected to number 2 just scroll past this GIF that will fondly remind you of your childhood.
Well done, you’ve come far. Are you ready for number 5? Warning: Number 1 is going to blow your mind!
5. Ratan Tata/Cyrus Mistry
Industrialist Ratan Tata came dressed as recently sacked Tata chairman Cyrus Mistry for a laugh. Meanwhile, Mistry decided to dress up as the stuff of his nightmares, Ratan Tata. This caused quite some confusion until one of the men was escorted kicking and swearing out of the party by the other’s bodyguards. You’ll never believe which one turned out to be Ratan Tata. W&B are not too sure either.
4. The Yadav Family
As W&B walked past a couple of unidentifiable celebrities dressed as serial killers, they came across UP’s political family, the Yadavs, who had come as random characters from Game of Thrones. W&B tried to get an exclusive interview with them but the sight of Akhilesh Yadav as Jon Snow was too much to handle and they ended up laughing in a corner instead. Once Mulayam came out of the bathroom as Khal Drogo, they decided it was time to move on.
3. Karan Johar
W&B bumped into world-famous director Karan Johar standing next to a giant flag of India. He had come dressed as a wad of cash. He was the life of the party, posing for pictures and having a blast. Then suddenly, he stiffened and refused to speak further. With a deadpan expression, he delivered a heartfelt monologue about his love for the nation. It was so moving that it drove the crowd toward the karaoke machine.
2. Baba Sehgal
At this point, a man who looked suspiciously like reggae artist Baba Sehgal walked into the party and stood near the karaoke machine. He kept yelling, “I’m really Baba Sehgal. This is not a costume,” but no one paid him any attention. W&B approached the unidentified person as he began mouthing the lyrics: “Karaoke machine, what a badiya scene, it’s a machine that sings, jewellery is bling, if you want to be okay, try some karaoke.” Sources told W&B that it was a sample from the real Baba Sehgal’s new song.
1. Donald Trump
Of the many people dressed as “Hindu” at the party, one person stood out with his overall orange glow. Up close, W&B confirmed that it was none other than US presidential candidate Donald Trump. When they asked him the story behind his costume, YOU’LL NEVER BELIEVE WHAT HE SAID!
“I have the best wardrobes. When in Hindu, dress how the Hindu dress,” he said, cutting a line of coke. As soon as Trump began pretending to “solve the Middle-East” with his third eye, W&B decided that they had had enough for a click-bait headline, and called it a night.
Weedward and Bongstein are serious investigative journalists. They have been involved in some of the biggest exposés in recent history. This bio will self-destruct in 5 seconds to protect their identities.