By Weedward and Bongstein Jun. 15, 2016
The top journalists of our time go gonzo at a convention against the LGBTQ community in disguise. The stereotypes they heard were startling.
Amid the growing backlash against the Orlando shootings, dissidents of the LGBTQ community held hands against the advent of “Gayistaan on Wednesday. Holding signs protesting against popular Android application, Fruit Ninja, which they say promotes homosexuality among the youth, the protestors gathered on the outskirts of the city chanting slogans.
Weedward & Bongstein spoke to one of the organisers, who was wearing a saffron T-shirt that read: “Gay doesn’t always mean happy, you know.” In his infinite wisdom, he spoke about the importance of avoiding jaggery in any form. “Gur khaaoge to gud banoge, shakkar khao, seedhe reh jao.” This was perplexing, since one of the sponsors was a prominent FMCG brand, endorsed by a top yoga guru, which incidentally makes the “purest jaggery” in the market.
Keen to be part of some protest, a bunch of people with lost expressions wandered into the convention. They asserted that they were invited, since they had homophobia, which they defined as an irrational fear of houses. An investigation by W&B later revealed that the group was part of a consortium named HASH, or “Humans Against Scary Houses”.
One of the weirder moments of the convention was a workshop on “How To Spot The Gay Man”. Delivered by a prominent conspiracy theorist, it began with the speaker postulating that icons like Marvin Gaye and Gloria Gaynor and everyone with the letters G, A, and Y in their surnames are members of a secret society called the Freegaysons.
When the convention was in full swing, a discussion broke out on how gay orgies were being held at Horniman Circle in Mumbai, and how the circle should be renamed. At this point, W&B decided that they’d had enough, and decided to talk some sense into these cretins.
This was deemed futile once a bunch of men outside the venue began burning mixer-grinders while chanting hateful slogans. On being asked why they were burning household appliances, one of the men replied, “Haven’t you heard, gay men can find other gay men using a grinder like this one.”
On hearing this, W&B drove their palms into their faces and quietly walked off into the sunset.
Weedward and Bongstein are serious investigative journalists. They have been involved in some of the biggest exposés in recent history. This bio will self-destruct in 5 seconds to protect their identities.