By Sagar S Nov. 13, 2017
The presidents of America and the Philippines met for a romantic candlelight dinner after a hard day of ignoring human rights. Their conversation will shock every bone in your body.
Two men with the capability to neutralise half the world’s population with the push of a button met for a romantic candlelit dinner for leaders from across Asia last night. US President Ronald McDonald and President of the Philippines, Rodrigo Don’thurtme, decided to cap off the night with some song and dance and a personal conversation in the Filipino prez’s private chambers. The world’s foremost investigative journalists, Weedward & Bongstein, had an exclusive invitation for the meeting.
They arrived at the scene 15 minutes late, fully expecting to see Trump ordering Rodrigo around, but were shocked to find the both of them sharing a laugh over tales of tyranny. W&B then decided to be flies on the wall to simply observe and report. Edited excerpts below.
Donald: I’m really enjoying this chat Rodrigo. You remind me of my daughter, who reminds me a lot of my wife, who reminds me of one of those mail-order brides. You could be a mail-order bride… You’re Asian, aren’t you?
Rodrigo: Yes I am. In fact they call me the “Trump of the East”. You look like you know a thing or two about ordering women around Mister Donald, but I was under the impression that we were here to discuss business. But first, I need to do a random drug test on you. So will you please piss in my cup?
Donald: Woah, Jackie Chan, I’m done talking about golden showers, I did it once in Russia, did not go down well. And you won’t find any drugs on me, I did ’em all before coming in here.
Rodrigo: That is a serious offence in this country.
Donald: You call this a country? You guys sound Mexican and look Asian, what are you, interracial? Anyway, my PR team tells me you have some human rights violations that you need taken care of. *digs nose*
I’m considering starting a WhatsApp group for national Purges among nations, do you want in?
Rodrigo: What violations?
Donald: You know, the ones with the people who were taking drugs.
Rodrigo: What people?
Donald: The ones you had your military kill.
Rodrigo: You mean what you guys did all over South America? Burrrrn!
Donald: Hahahaha, well, I agree with you there Master Shifu, but you’ve got to understand. Do what I do, just take it easy. If you want someone, say a minority dead, simply put guns in the hands of the people. Works every time. I call it the Purge.
Rodrigo: Did you just steal the name of a movie right now?
Donald: No, I don’t know what you’re on about. I’m considering starting a WhatsApp group for national Purges among nations, do you want in? Kimmy’s already part of it.
Rodrigo: You mean Kim Jong Un. You literally called him short and fat yesterday.
Donald: Oh yeah, Lucy Liu, I remember that. But it was all in good humour. Also that was a long, long time ago.
Rodrigo: It was yesterday.
Donald: Time flies when you’re on drugs.
Rodrigo: What dr…
(Narendra Modi stumbles in)
Modi: Mitron, yeh toilet kahan chali gayi?
Rodrigo: Hey new guy you need a drug test. Pee in this cup.
Modi: I must take this portable pissing technology back for my Swacch Bharat Abhiyan. See you later, mitron, I have a country to clean. *leaves*
Rodrigo: Anyway, Mister Donald. It was a pleasure having you at my house, please come again soon. I have executions to supervise, they don’t call me the country’s chief executive for nothing.
Donald: Go grab ’em tiger.
At this point the substances W&B had ingested earlier were kicking in and making them paranoid. They thought they’d be subjected to a drug test next — the only tests Weedward and Bongstein don’t study for and fail, so they decided to leave.
Sagar has lived in Mumbai for most of his life. You can often find him complaining about potholes and local trains when he isn't out having a mediocre time.