Exclusive: Robert Vadra’s Mann Ki Baat


Exclusive: Robert Vadra’s Mann Ki Baat

Illustration: Mandar Mhaskar

After Robert Vadra’s explosive interview with The Times of India, the world’s foremost investigative journalists, Weedward & Bongstein, conducted a follow-up interview at one of Vadra’s 1,203 houses. Vadra spoke to them about the problems he faced post demonetisation and the correct way to wipe one’s arse with the old ₹1,000 note, post a good old Haryanvi dump.

W&B: Hi sir. How do you do?
Robert: I do well. I just did in fact and wiped it with an old ₹1000-note. It felt great.

W&B: Robert, don’t you think the 500 will be more surgical and can get to hard-to-reach places?
Robert: I’m Sonia Gandhi’s son-in-law you, motherfuckers. I don’t have 500- rupee notes.

W&B: Well, we didn’t mean to offend you. Are you upset about something?
Robert: You journalists don’t really understand the problems we face in this country. Do you know there’s no space outside my favourite state to park my favourite bikes?

W&B: That’s a good point you raise Robert.
Robert: Call me Rob. It’s more casual…

W&B: Sure! What do you really think of demonetisation, Rob?
Robert: I think it’s been as successful as our attempts to make Rahul seem like a serious politician.

W&B: Lol. Cheers to that.

(Rob picks up his drink and takes a swig. W&B join him.)

Robert: I know a lost cause when I see one. The chaos is good for me though. It’s hit the poor hard, which has been a big Congress vote bank. A happy Priyanka means more bikes. And I love my bikes.

W&B: That’s fascinating. We thought your favourite thing was land that didn’t belong to you.
Robert: Dudes, I’m the Khosla and the Ghosla. Last winter, in Delhi, I woke up with a morning boner and due to the fog, stole some of my own land again!

W&B: Hahahaha! Are you serious?
Robert: Yeah, guys it was a big problem from me.

W&B: Your life is awesome. Tell us more…
Robert: I have a lot of chill guys. I was Snapchatting Manmohan just last week. He told me demonetisation will really fuck with the economy, which I believe is within the interest of the Congress party. This will enable the country to finally pay me that last installment on Priyanka’s dowry. So whatever happens with black money, Imma still be floating in it.

W&B: Hot dam Rob, you are smart. Also has anyone told you how much you look like Freddie Mercury from Queen?Robert: Yeah I want to break free from that one. Should probably shave my moustache.

(At this point Vadra makes a weird expression to convey that he is winking, and then begins doing a push-up.)

W&B: Ah, we see what you did there. Why are you working out now Rob?
Robert: I’m just running down to get a loan from the bank. Want to look my best for the bank lady.

W&B: What if the bank lady isn’t into guys?
Robert: Have you seen Freddie Mercury in drag? I think I could pull that off.

W&B: We think you’ve had too much to drink…
Robert: Don’t tell me how much to drink fam, I fucking own Gurgaon.

As soon as Vadra decided to brandish proof of his residency by whipping out a very cheap looking pistol and relaying how to perfectly cut a guy off in traffic, W&B decided to call it quits and went looking for their next big story.