By Weedward and Bongstein Sep. 07, 2016
On the heels of the Gujarat HC notice on Pokémon Go, we carried out an intense eight-hour investigation into public interest litigations that never saw the light of day.
oments after the Gujarat High Court asked the government to look into whether a mobile phone application had blasphemed the religious sentiments of certain communities by inserting a virtual egg into places of worship, the country’s finest journalists Weedward & Bongstein rummaged through a sleeping judge’s dustbin and uncovered nearly one thousand pieces of paper.
In an intense eight-hour investigation/Fevicol operation, W&B put the pieces together to find that the shredded notes were once part of several public interest litigations. The explosive findings show that these petitions were discarded, despite their high relevance to Indian society and morals. W&B have definitive information on four of the petitions, which are summarised below (we will keep updating this list in real-time as the investigation proceeds).
A PIL was filed against Durex because the baingan condom offended one Sheilaben Dixit’s culinary sensibilities. Sheilaben’s main gripe: She was made to eat an eggplant every day as a child, leaving her with a bitter taste in the mouth. Durex’s latest eggplant-flavoured condom, however, lead to much heartburn. She was forced to approach the court since the very thought of a baingan condom made her nauseous and brought back traumatic childhood memories.
One Rasik Shah has filed a PIL against Mars landings because they interfere with horoscope readings. This PIL was filed by a lawyer from Nadiad after his son was forced to break up with his fiancée. According to a local pandit, the marriage was never going to last. The pandit also said that the recent Mars Mission had interfered with the son’s horoscope. The PIL has called for complete ban on further space missions, as well as the shutdown of NASA and ISRO, as it throws star readings out of balance.
Shiv Sagar, a leading vegetarian sect that advocates non-violence, violently protested outside the Ahmedabad court while filing a PIL against the song “Ande Ka Funda”. The petitioners claimed that after a lot of research, it was revealed that the lyrics were actually about eggs. The petition revealed that the group initially thought the song lyrics were “Andheka funda” but later discovered it was about the proliferation of non-vegetarianism. (This group was alerted to these facts after one member of the sect Googled the lyrics to the song during a wild karaoke night.)
And finally, the last PIL pieced together by W&B was against none other than Ronald McDonald for encouraging kids to sit in his lap. In yet another case of PC culture gone wild, angered parents of millennials alleged that Ronald McDonald statues encouraged kids to sit next to or in the lap of the clown-like character. The PIL argues that in a country like India, this is a necessary step, as it would help prevent child abuse.
This is an ongoing investigation. Please refresh this page every few minutes to get updates on other PILs, including one filed by animal rights activists against the deity Ganesha for perpetuating cruelty against rats, and another by the Postmen Association of India who are rallying against the culture of open letters.
Weedward and Bongstein are serious investigative journalists. They have been involved in some of the biggest exposés in recent history. This bio will self-destruct in 5 seconds to protect their identities.