Exclusive: Interview with Brother Dave


Exclusive: Interview with Brother Dave

Illustration: Saachi Mehta/ Arré

Weedward and Bongstein caught up with David Cameron at a pub near 10 Downing Street, where he was drowning his sorrows in a pint of Pilsner and stuffing his face with Shepherd’s Pie. It was hard to fully understand what he was saying because of his motionless upper lip and W&B’s pre-interview hazy ritual. But here’s an excerpt:

So Dave, what’s up with the Ewes? Do the British hate sheep now?
As you’ve probably heard, we’ve pulled out of the EU partially over fears that refugees are coming, innit? If you ask me, it’s just a bunch of big bollocks. At least the refugees brush their teeth, if you know what I mean.

We saw your speech on the telly. You seemed a little emotional back there. What was going through your mind?
Couldn’t wait to get out of there, you feel. Just wanted to grab a pint and watch Aston Villa try their best to make it back to the league. And I wasn’t getting emotional like some kind of sop. I was just a bit knackered you know; got something in me eye as well.

What impact is this going to have on your country?
When I first heard about it, I was a little arse over elbow, to be honest. But when you pull out of anything it’s hard, am I right? When I was a ripe little wank, I entered a pig this one time. That’s all people seem to remember now.

Some people are calling it UK’s Independence Day. But what does Will Smith have to do with anything?
Well, Will Smith hated the aliens too, didn’t he pet? They were getting him all up by his short and curlies. Some people don’t handle sods in their knickers too well.

So should we be buying houses in London immediately?
Yeah well, if Mallya and Vadra can do it, so can you. With the devaluing pound and the amount of black money you Pakis got, it shouldn’t be a problem.

We aren’t Pakis. Which brings us to our next question. You left the EU pretty quick, why did it take you so long to leave India?
Well that’s kinda out of my jurisdiction, innit? It was all up to the old lady in Buckingham Palace, you know? We gave you the cricket and Big Brother. You guys should be happy.

Alright, I’m getting a little bladdered right now, and I think I love you guys… you can enter my elite country club anytime you like. And bring your dogs as well.

Okay then, thanks, we guess…before we leave, tell us what now? What does the future have in store for Dave Cameron?
The first thing I’m gonna do is finish this pint. After that, I’m headed to that albino wanker Boris’ (Johnson) flat to have a couple words with ’im.

We think you misunderstood. We’re talking about your plans post that.
Post that I’m going to go see a certain Mr Farage. I’m gonna show him what real rage looks like, is what I’m gonna do.

(At this point of time Mr Cameron seemed too intoxicated to continue and chose instead to belt out a poor rendition of the Sex Pistols hit “God Save the Queen”, along with some football hooligans and pensioners gathered at the pub.)