EXCLUSIVE! Breakthrough Interview with Aliens!


EXCLUSIVE! Breakthrough Interview with Aliens!

Illustration: Juergen D

Hours after NASA revealed that it had found planets that could harbour life, the world’s premier investigative journalists, Weedward and Bongstein, were listening to the radio. While reacting passionately to a Bon Jovi song, they knocked it over and managed to break it. The scrambled sound of static from the broken radio suddenly began to morph into intelligible sounds.

Our journalists immediately set about transcribing what they heard into Google Translate. What they discovered was far more explosive than anything in NASA’s press release. Long story short: Aliens do exist, and had agreed to give Weedward and Bongstein a one-time only, exclusive interview over the radio. They spoke at length about their plans regarding Earth.

W&B: Hello, Alien! Do you come in peace?

Alien: Om, om, om, om.

W&B: What’s that? Who are you?

Alien: Om, om, dhoop.

W&B: Oh my god, are you a really real alien like Jadoo? Koi… Mil Gaya was actually true?! This is blowing our minds!

Alien: Om, om… (laughter) Okay that’s enough. I’m just messing with you. I am not Jadoo. I love Hrithik Roshan movies, though.

W&B: Oh well that makes one of you. So how do you know so much about us humans?

Alien: Oh, we aliens watch everything. We watch Russia when we want to see an action movie, the US for horror. Recently we’ve been watching a lot of India. It’s like our Netflix.

W&B: You’ve been watching a lot of India…?

Alien: You have the most amazing people ever! Seriously, Bobby Deol is the best DJ in the universe. And Salman Khan is like a lovable balloon… It’s better material than anything F.R.I.E.N.D.S. has ever come up with. We have a popular saying in our system: “A Rahul Gandhi in the parliament is better than two Chandlers in the Coffee Shop.”

W&B: Wow, didn’t think you guys were this tuned in. How come you haven’t tried to contact us before?

Alien: Oh we spoke to an Orangutan in a suit once. He said he owned a bunch of towers, said he was president of something. It’s amazing actually, how much respect humans have for animals!

W&B: Actually, that’s just the vegans. So what do you think of NASA, how have they not discovered you yet?

Alien: Oh we’d never reveal ourselves to those guys. They’re too fond of probing things. We convince them every now and then that they’ve made a huge discovery. It’s hilarious.

W&B: So you mean all of NASA’s findings are just what you allow them to discover?

Alien: Bitch please. We’re experts at making sure only the information we choose to share reaches you. Alt-facts and the NSA haven’t got shite on us.

W&B: Right. So who wins the next season of Bigg Boss?

Aliens: Wow… I do not know the answer to that.

W&B: Not so smart now are you, alien?

Aliens: Don’t sass us. Do you want to end like Hrithik before he met Jadoo?

W&B: That’s disgusting. We don’t make fun of differently abled people on this planet any more.

Aliens: No, no! I meant have your career in the toilet.

W&B: Since you know so much, can you tell us what a Sasikala is?

Aliens: Oh, she’s one of our favourite characters on your show. You know how you guys love Game of Thrones for its plots and assassinations? That’s why we love Sasikala.

W&B: So you mean you’ve heard of GoT too?

Aliens: In fact, we sent George RR Martin a time machine so he could go to the future and finish his books, but he was too fat to get inside.

W&B: A time machine? That’s neat. So what happens to us in the future?

Aliens: We sent you a documentary, didn’t you see it? It had James Franco.

W&B: You mean Kink…

Aliens: Shut up, you perv. We meant Rise of the Planet of the Apes.

As the alien shouted “APE BRINGS WAR,” W&B decided that it was time to end this exclusive interview with the conclusion that aliens don’t really have much to say. They threw the radio into an open gutter.