Exposé! Sugar Lobby Behind Macron Win


Exposé! Sugar Lobby Behind Macron Win

Illustration: Akshita Monga

Aday after the French presidential election saw a macaron named Emmanuel come to power, investigative journalists Weedward & Bongstein received a tip-off from their highly placed confidential source, Deep Nostril.

The explosive exposé blows the lid off the top of a global conspiracy by Big Sugar and is bound to have far-reaching consequences around the globe. According to our source, the immensely powerful sugar lobby plans to install other confections in positions of power around the world. If proved, this could be the biggest newsbreak of our time, even bigger than the Watergateaux Scandal.

According to Deep Nostril, the Sugar Producers Lobby for International Free-trade and Fair Practices, or SPLIFF, has been irked by the rise of artificial sweeteners, sugar-free food, and general tastelessness in the international political arena. Fearing a threat to their business with the rise of artificial sweeteners, it has emerged that SPLIFF had decided in 2010 to enact a global plan to get their just desserts and ensure the protection of their interests. Hence the rise to power of sweet candies like Justin Trudeau.

Our sources have learnt that SPLIFF is headed by the bigwigs of the global sugar trade, and has links with Sharad Pawar.

Details of this plan are yet to be corroborated, but what Weedward & Bongstein do know at this time is that the first step in this plan was the election of a sentient Orange Tang to the seat of ultimate power in North America.

Another key phase was putting a Spotted Dick in a position of prominence in the UK as leader of the UKIP. The plan seems to be working thus far, although, there have been teething issues. The chief concern is controlling the food, as seen in the case of the Orange Tang, which got extra sour and threatened the world with nuclear annihilation. Which way the macaron rolls is yet to be seen, and according to sources his allegiance lies with the cream in his centre.

W&B are also in possession of a list of other probables to further the agenda of SPLIFF and Big Sugar. They include:

1. The election of a Trifle as the Prime Minister of UK.
2. An unstable Italian-Indian mash-up dessert called a Tirahulmisu was being groomed to become the Indian PM. But it was later dropped in favour of a 56-inch wide Indian dessert called Saffron Laddu and his henchman, a Rasgulla.
3. The election of a Lemon Tart to the German chancellery.

An unnamed source inside SPLIFF told W&B that the organisation is on track and their goal of world domination should be complete by 2019. The source, who can only be identified by his Reddit username, SugarDaddy69 said, “Of course we want to take over the world. It’s overrun with hipsters and their organic, sugar-free, unsweetened agenda. We need to get the world hooked on sugar once again.”

He further went on to drop hints about the leadership of SPLIFF who’ve managed to stay under the radar for a while now. He added, “Let’s just say our leader likes to stay low-key and doesn’t like to be Putin the limelight (coughs).” When asked to divulge a name, he said he would tell W&B, but he’d have to kill them with adult onset type-2 Diabetes next.

This is a troubling discovery because as the world fights over the Left, the Right, and the Centre, a far more nefarious plot is caramelising.

More on this story as it develops.