By Weedward and Bongstein Apr. 30, 2017
Our foremost investigative journalists stumbled upon a depressed Donald Trump. Excerpts from this interview will shock and amaze you.
While out on a walk to celebrate 100 days of breaking new ground in journalism, Weedward and Bongstein accidentally walked into a party hosted by US President Donald Trump last night. The theme “White Power-Golden Shower” was intriguing enough for the world’s foremost investigative journalists to take a look.
Two minutes after figuring out what golden shower meant, W&B were on their way out, when they bumped into the host himself, sulking in the corner. The duo’s journalistic senses tingled so they used this opportunity to score yet another EXCLUSIVE interview. Turns out Donald Trump hates being President of the US.
The excerpts from the following interview may shock and amaze you.
W&B: Hey Donny, where’s that wall you were building?
Trump: Yeah I’m gonna build that wall. You can’t see it yet, but you will one day. And when it’s built, I’m gonna jump right off it.
W&B: Woah, you okay, Donny?
Trump: No, I’m really unhappy. Being a president is hard, but I was prepared for the hard work. I was gonna be such a hero, save Air Force One while yelling “Get off my plane!” and have hair like Harrison Ford. Instead, I am just stuck between this depressing White House and friggin’ Mar-a-Lago. Boring!
Trump: Yes. Exactly. I’ve been at a loss for words, which is surprising given my track record because I have the best words, they’re usually pretty great. Anyway my pals Mike (Pence), Jamie (Comey), and Vlado (Putin) lied to me. They put me in this big ugly house but haven’t let me push any buttons yet.
W&B: What about all the buttons you push on Twitter?
Trump: Oh, I hired a sexy Asian girl to do that for me years ago. She’s Hindu mind you, not Korean or anything. Not sure how fluent her English is though…
W&B: That explains a lot… Anyway, where’s that Donald Trump spirit? We are going to BUILD THAT WALL! Right?
Trump: Well let me tell you a little something, in my line of business we often face such things. I’ve come up with a term for it in my new book, and I’m going to give you Hindus a little sneak peek. It’s a little something I like to call “delay”. Ever since the Mexicans and those A-Rabs started to leave, it’s like no one wants to do any actual work. Say, you brown guys wouldn’t be willing to do it for me?
W&B: You can’t really think you’ve invented the word delay… So are you saying you aren’t enjoying being president?
Trump: Sometimes, it’s fun you know… fun times… good times. Met Beyoncé once. Don’t have to stay in the same house as Melania and Ivanka anymore, you know… that was always awkward. But I do miss my old life, let me tell you. Sometimes Comey and I get drunk and think of getting me elected as the president of another country, you know. Sometimes the pain is so real, I wish I was a poor little Syrian boy instead.
W&B: We’re going to have to stop you there Donny. You might have had a little too much to drink.
At this point one White House staffer Kellyanne Conway was seen handing out rolls of tin foil and heard asking people to wrap their phones tighter.
Trump left us hanging to deliver a toast to the people of America and Russian Vodka. When he started to rhyme Klan with Fan, W&B decided to make a swift exit. On their way out, W&B received a text from their new cool friend Barack who invited them to a barbecue with, “some cool ass peeps and no trippin’ crackers”.
Weedward and Bongstein are serious investigative journalists. They have been involved in some of the biggest exposés in recent history. This bio will self-destruct in 5 seconds to protect their identities.