By Weedward and Bongstein Jan. 24, 2017
Contrary to popular belief, Narendra Modi and Donald Trump have already had their first conversation. Here’s what they spoke about.
American President Donald J Trump and India’s beloved Prime Minister Shri Narendra Modiji had their first official telephone conversation today. In true investigative journalistic fashion – and taking a cue from their namesakes Woodward and Bernstein – W&B tapped the phones at the White House and were privy to some sensitive information meant only for heads of state.
Here is a transcript of the entire conversation.
NaMo: Namaskar Shri Dunalji, congratulations on becoming the Supreme Leader of the USA!
Trump: Hello Mr Prime Minister Moody or should I say mittromney?
NaMo: Dunalji, it’s mitron not Mitt Romney. It means friend.
Trump: Well, now it does. Earlier it was what I called people I didn’t like.
NaMo: I know what you mean. I call such people Khujliwal. Tell me Dunalji, how was your inauguration ceremony? It’s a shame more people didn’t come to watch you usurp power.
Trump: Well the turnout wasn’t yuge. But it was the best turnout a president could have. A lot of people came, but unfortunately the Clinton News Network chose to show the world otherwise.
NaMo: Hahahaha. In India, my followers would have ensured a satisfactory turnout come rain or shine. Tell me, do you know what a bhakt is?
Trump: Sounds interesting. Please tell me more. Just one second.
(Yelling in the background)
Trump: Ivanka for crying out loud, you’re overdressed again. Darling, please tell me you’re not going out that way. Sorry Mr Moody, kids these days.
NaMo: Please, call me Narendra. My one friend – his name is Amit, he’s my best mitron – calls me Shri Aadarniya Narendraji Damodarji Modiji.
Trump: I’ll stick with Naar-end-raa, until such a time that our relationship doesn’t sour.
NaMo: It might if you don’t stop supporting Pakistan.
Trump: Don’t worry. I hate Arabs just as much as you do. They’re just like Mexicans, except Mexicans are skilled at building and Arabs are experts at demolition.
NaMo: You sound stressed about this. I have another mitron named Ramu. You should try his Patanjali Thanda Kesh Tel. It’ll give your hair a glossy shine and calm you down. Waah!
Trump: Did you just say wall? I was meaning to talk to you about it. I hear your people have experience in building walls and temples where they shouldn’t be.
NaMo: Let’s talk about creating a specialised visa category for skilled builders.
Trump: Please do. I’m looking for a firm to build it.
NaMo: Oh I’ll put you in touch with my mitrons in Gujarat.
Trump: Sure. But can they make the wall great. Can they help divide people?
NaMo: You should see what the work they’ve done here, you’d be impressed.
Trump: Listen Naar-end-raa, I’d love to chat but I have a country to run to the ground. We’ll talk soon.
NaMo: All the best Dunalji, it’s hard work, but if anyone can do it you can.
Trump: Thank you Naar-end-raa. Good luck to you too.
After this conversation ended, Donald Trump called up an unknown number and proceeded to have a lengthy conversation with someone who seemed to be an animal rights activist. They spoke at length about grabbing stray cats and kissing female dogs. That’s when W&B decided they’d had enough.
Weedward and Bongstein are serious investigative journalists. They have been involved in some of the biggest exposés in recent history. This bio will self-destruct in 5 seconds to protect their identities.