By Weedward and Bongstein Apr. 08, 2016
Declassified WHO studies find that millenials are devolving into “aquatic creatures”, think Coldplay rocks harder than The Who.
Arré has accessed a secret WHO study which establishes that Indian millenials are not as sharp as their older counterparts, and show signs of devolving.
The document is one of thousands of files accessed by the Geopolitical Anti-Neoliberal Journalism Alliance, or GANJA, under operation “Quickieleaks”. The coalition of investigative journalists obtained these sensitive documents by engaging in “quickies” with highly-placed sources, either at the workplace or at home.
The most damning of these files, obtained from the offices of Dr Hans Leibenwanger, say Indians are devolving into “aquatic life forms” due to “constant pouting” while taking photographs. The process is widely documented on social media such as Snapchat and Instagram.
It went on to provide some damning statistics derived from months of secret tests carried out across the subcontinent. There are more than three thousand pages of statistical data derived from ten million millenial test subjects.
Some of the stats are:
– 80 percent of those tested think babies come from Snapchat.
– 98 percent think Coldplay is better than The Who. The other two percent didn’t understand the question.
– 75 percent misidentified a picture of Morgan Freeman as being that of Nelson Mandela.
– 60 percent think Donald Trump should become president of the US, but confused the dates of India’s Independence Day with Republic Day.
– 20 percent outperformed chimpanzees in manual dexterity tests.
– 10 percent managed to outperform smarter chimpanzees in IQ tests.
– 50 percent think “bro” is a noun, adjective, preposition and gerund.
– 100 percent were offended by everything anyone said.
These are shocking statistics for a nation that has long been lauded for its collective intellect and genius.
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