By Weedward and Bongstein Feb. 07, 2018
Weedward and Bongstein, the world’s finest journalists, gained access to a top-secret meeting where Anupam Kher, Ram Madhav, and a token IT dude got together to solve the mystery of their Twitter hacking.
It takes only the promise of two jumbo shawarmas to get the world’s foremost investigative journalists, Weedward and Bongstein, to arrive at any location at any time of the day.
This time the summons came from national-award-winning actor Anupam Kher and national general secretary of the BJP, Ram Madhav. The two elderly men had ordered this unusual lunch in a bid to get into the heads of their enemy, a Turkish group that had hacked their Twitter accounts. Weedward and Bongstein were invited so they could help Kher and Madhav “hack the hackers”, as well as provide a younger person’s perspective on how to “use the computer thing”.
W&B decided to remain flies on the wall as the two personalities began taking down the Turkish cyber crime cell. The plan was simple – rewatch old episodes of the two of them on Arnab Goswami’s debate to reiterate how much they dislike Pakistan, push for a ban on turkey meat across the nation, and rely on an online troll army to do all the real work for them later.
Five minutes into an intense Arnab Goswami shouting match, actor Anupam Kher, channeled his inner “Indian Detective” and came up with the first theory of why they were hacked. “Clearly these hackers wanted to come on Say Na Something… and were rejected for being too old,” he said. “You’ll be amazed at the number of times we had to do that.”
Ram Madhav was, meanwhile, more distressed that his personal DMs had been leaked to this group. “What if they steal my good morning messages and turn them into Islamic propaganda,” he asked no one in particular. “This is now officially the biggest menace plaguing our country in recent times.”
The moon is a democratic nation with its own rights to not be blown up
According to Anupam Uncle, the source of the hack was a link that was being sent out by BJP lawmaker Swapan Dasgupta, who undoubtedly assumed it was an article about “AAP and Kongi colluding to blow up the moon” without even reading it, and forwarded it to all his friends.
“I absolutely agree with the general sentiment… The moon is a democratic nation with its own rights to not be blown up…” Ram Madhav said, adjusting his new big boy pants. “The moon has the right to be free from sickulars. According to an oral transcript by Udit Narayan, a great sage from Akhand Bharat, the moon is very much a part of our culture, and we will never let it go to Turkey! SAMJHE?”
At this point, due to the excessive dose of propaganda he had inhaled earlier, Mr Madhav had to be restrained in the corner of the room. Mr Kher meanwhile had begun narrating tales of the Kashmiri Pandits who had sailed to the Ottoman Empire in the early 1900s and hacked it so badly it had to shut down.
At this point, the sole member of the BJP IT cell who had been invited to help with the investigation finally got to work. The next day, a headline ran: “Amazing! Indians invented hacking years before Bill Gates thought of computers!”
Weedward and Bongstein are serious investigative journalists. They have been involved in some of the biggest exposés in recent history. This bio will self-destruct in 5 seconds to protect their identities.