Scoop! Amitabh Bachchan Opens Up about Paradise Papers


Scoop! Amitabh Bachchan Opens Up about Paradise Papers

Illustration: Shruti Yatam/Arre

After being implicated in the Panama Papers, Bofors scandal, and a terrible Gujarat tourism ad, Amitabh Bachchan has now been linked to the Paradise Papers. He has been accused once again of using offshore accounts to evade taxes and hide money from his son Abhishek, who according to sources wants his papa to finance his new film. To give the public his side of the story, the Swachh Bharat ambassador invited Weedward and Bongstein to his private island in the Mediterranean Sea.

W&B: Wow this place is pretty cool. It’s like a Bond villain’s hideout. Must have cost a bomb. Panama or Paradise?

Amitabh Bachchan: Neither! This island has been acquired after my hard work on the Swachh Bharat campaign. I work hard, pay some taxes, and then come here to relax after a hard day of voice overs. Do you know how hard it is to retain a baritone after 75?

W&B: We haven’t seen you around much. We thought maybe you’re laying low in light of these rumours.

AB: (Looks startled) What rumours? This hair is 100 per cent real; it’s not fake. You can take a tug at it and check.

W&B: Actually we’re here to talk about the Paradise Papers.

AB: You know the whole country of the system is juxtapositioned by the haemoglobin in the atmosphere because you are a sophisticated rhetorician intoxicated by the exuberance of your own verbosity leading to a fallacy that I have committed infractions whose nature is monetary.

W&B: That made zero sense.

AB: So did Jhoom Barabar Jhoom, but I did it anyway, didn’t I?

W&B: That’s not a valid reason.

AB: Okay, you got me. That money is mine, but I stashed it there for a reason. I tried storing the money in other places, but Abhi kept finding it. Jaya tried hiding it in the kitchen, but he’d find it when he’d get the munchies. Par rishte mein to hum uske baap lagte hai, so I hid the money first in Panama and then the Bahamas. I planned to move it because I heard Dhoom 5 might be shot there. Yes, Abhi is there again. And still wearing terrible floral shirts. Poor guy is real desperate for a hit you know.

W&B: You can say that again. He asked us if we had “stuff” on the way in.

Anyway, the government plans on celebrating Anti-Black Money Day on November 8 to commemorate one year of demonitisation. What are your plans?

AB: I will duly support the government’s efforts to clamp down on black money. Wait, do they have a brand ambassador?

W&B: We don’t think so, sir. But don’t they have you on a retainer basis already, that Gujarat ad and other government campaigns?

AB: Actually, no. They’ve been ghosting me after Panama.

W&B: Yet you seem so chill, sir. Vijay Mallya is being hounded by authorities all the time.

AB: Of course I’m chill! What’s my name?

W&B: Ummm… Amitabh Bachchan?

AB: Wrong. Naam hai Vijay… Vijay… Vijay… Deenanath… Deenanath… Deenanath… Chauhan… Chauhan… Chauhan… for tax purposes. And Vijay made a big mistake. He ran away. The best way to prove your innocence is to ignore that you did something wrong and keep chillin’ like me. Plus thanks to KBC’s new season, you know encouraging social causes and all, Mukesh and I can wash our money cleaner than DiMo Detergent Powder cleans your pants and the black money you forgot in your pockets.

W&B: Why the brand plug?

AB: I’m shooting for a soap ad in 30 minutes. You guys need a ride, my yacht can drop you. It’s the big one there called “Make In India”. Goodnight, subhratri, and shabba khair!