Long Live Samsung Note 7


Long Live Samsung Note 7

Illustration: Akshita Monga/ Arré

Friends, millennials, Snapchatters, please lend me your abnormally short attention spans. I come to bury Samsung Galaxy Note 7, so keep the fire extinguishers ready.

You were a splendid beauty, thin and curvaceous, the very embodiment of attractiveness in 2016. You had an Edge™ unlike any we’ve seen before, and the capacity to go all day long. You were the tech equivalent of Kim Kardashian. Oh, Note 7, you were the Apple of our eye. You were meant to lead us away from the straight-edged world. You were not perfect by any stretch of imagination, but we grew fond of your unmanicured loveliness, your rubbish software quirks, and your attempts to clone FaceTime. We even moved past your, umm, obvious tagline, “Designed for Humans”. We forgave your wherever-you-look-we’ll-be-watching-you advertising blitzkrieg.

I spent nearly three months’ salary trying to get my hands on you. But that was fine. It felt good because your AMOLED screen was brighter than my future. It left me wishing that Samsung also manufactured jeans with pockets large enough to accommodate my Note 7, but that’s a minor quibble. For Samsung is an honourable company.

You had finally started gathering steam; you had out-famed the iPhone and were considered a serious contender. Your younger sibling, the S7 Edge (Kylie Jenner), also became quite a celebrity on the back of your popularity. Even famed rapper Tyga played with it.

Alas, the higher you go, the harder you fall. Your greatest strength also robbed you of your life. And now Samsung has sent us three boxes and a pair of safety gloves to tuck you in. I loved you, but seriously where is the fire brigade?

Where do we go from here? In a world of smartphone fragmentation, Apple and Google want us to trade in our phones year after year for an extra half inch (hope our girlfriends don’t do the same). Do we keep going crazy as our favourite jack struggles to find a hole? All I know is if that “OMG it was like so hot” chick from Bombay – who stood for five hours in a queue – had to give up a kidney for an iPhone 7, I might as well get ready to use the phone with the soles of my feet. Also, will it be worth it? *insert iPhone 7 joke here. It’s only a marginal improvement over the iPhone 6 joke.*

It was a mistake, they said. We will replace the phones, they said. And Samsung is an honourable company.

More importantly, what about the new world order? After years of evolution, human beings had finally discovered the most efficient way to judge each other’s value: Smartphones. With Samsung’s biggest phone gone, mere anarchy is loosed upon the world.

I can already feel it in the air – iPhone users around me are gloating, growing even more insufferable by the minute. I can just imagine the launch of iPhone 8. Tim Cook will walk on to the stage wearing a smirk and play a really fast video just showing the phone charging. “The new iPhone 8. It takes about 16 hours to charge but it doesn’t explode. Best.iPhone.Ever.”

Google Pixel might step into the shoes the Note 7 has vacated. At its price though, Android geeks will now legitimately behave more like iPhone nuts. As for the other contenders, Sony, HTC, and LG, might crawl out from the deep freeze… The possibilities are endless. Well, except for those using Windows phones. That’s a bunch of Sirious no-hopers.

But it’s our lot to look for silver linings, even when there aren’t any. The Note 7 saga at least injected some fresh energy into the tech-media industry. Think about those poor sods having to unbox one phone after another, with marginal or inconsequential tweaks here and there, greeted with bewildering, soul-sucking sameness day after day. The biggest news in the last few months has been the loss of a headphone jack on a device, which caused the world to lose its marbles. Now think about a reputed company pulling a phone off the market for actual safety reasons –because their engineers cannot figure out what is up with the phones. If this doesn’t grant us some perspective, what will?

And we have Samsung to thank for this. For producing a phone so lit. Just wish they hadn’t made it water resistant if it could catch fire. It was a mistake, they said. We will replace the phones, they said. And Samsung is an honourable company.

And now our beloved Note 7 is gone. Our hearts are still in those fireproof boxes they sent to bury the phone in. And we must go offline until they come back to us.

The Samsung Note 7 is dead. Let’s all cry our i’s out.