By Arré Bench Nov. 10, 2018
Dressed in his best gender-bending, haute-couture-meets-chappri attire, Ranveer Singh will enter his bachelor party dancing to the acoustic version of “Tune Maari Entriyan.” This is the last time he will be thrusting his pelvis in public without being penalised with a night on the couch.
As far as Bollywood romances go, Ranveer and Deepika’s storied romance is right up there with Salim and Anarkali’s, Heer and Ranjha’s and, Amitabh’s and She Who Must Not be Named, but Whose Name Rhymes with Dekha. Soon the star-crossed co-stars will give us what years of kitschy Bollywood has failed to, a love story that ends happily without both families breaking into a song and dance at the drop of a hat… Or will they?
Given that this wedding will probably cost more than Veere Di Wedding and will be better looking than all seven Housefull movies, it’s only fair that all parties involved get more than enough bang for their buck. And when there are words like “bang” and “buck” floating around, naturally the words “Ranveer Singh’s bachelor party” can’t be far behind.
To get a party popping these days, all you need is a cool indie location. Bangkok and its beaches are passe, as is Amsterdam and its red light district. Plus when you’re a thespian determined to shake off your outer brat and walk the straight and narrow, any destination that may lead you to the pleasures of the flesh is a no-no. Small wonder then that Ranveer’s bachelor bash will probably be held on the sylvan shores of Lake Como, in close proximity to the wedding venue, the Villa del Balbianello.
Considering that this is the last time Ranveer Singh can thrust his pelvis in public without being penalised with a night on the couch, this party will be nothing short of a Befikre bacchanal. Did we mention, it’ll probably be a surprise, thrown by partner-in-crime Arjun Kapoor.
Arjun, the best man, is on a mission to supply the party with vice, wine, and attractive Italian women. He’s got his work cut out for him though, thanks to the Indian proclivity for being obnoxious tourists. The gentle Italian folk will probably be halfway home on their Vespas before Arjun can catch anyone’s attention.
This is where good ol’ Uncle Anil comes to the rescue. Yet again. Walking up to the nearest liquor store, flashing a chest of salt and pepper hair, his first word is “chaiwalla,” which thanks to a couple of in-flight scotches sounds a lot like “ciao bella.” Coming from a mustachioed cross between Burt Reynolds and Super Mario, the words probably melt the woman at the counter into a puddle and give Kapoor and Nephew access to the best vino the region has to offer. Now that the daaru’s sorted, all that remains is wrangling together some old-fashioned naach-gaana.
Walking up to the nearest liquor store, flashing a chest of salt and pepper hair, his first word is “chaiwalla,” which thanks to a couple of in-flight scotches sounds a lot like “ciao bella.”
To treat the groom-to-be, Arjun could knock on the doors of some of the area’s most famous and elderly residents, George Clooney and Madonna. At the Clooney abode, Arjun asks nicely the first time. But Mr Clooney, dashing debonair man of mystery, probably hasn’t a fucking clue what Arjun’s talking about when he asks George to perform a duet with him to the song “Hawa Hawa.”
This leads to an impassioned plea, in which Arjun enacts a couplet from Half Girlfriend. George says he’s seen epileptic wild animals emote better, so Arjun resorts to the oldest trick in the book, yelling, “Bhai ki shaadi hai, behencho.” He then pulls out Papa Boney’s cheque book and puts a series of zeroes down. George Clooney finally surrenders to the scrilla and decides to break a leg with Boney ka launda.
Next stop, Casa de Madonna. Here Arjun wastes no time with niceties, leading with, “Aap gaana gaane ke liye kitna charge karoge?” After doling out enough dough to have Madonna croon three Bollywood songs, Arjun has finally sorted the entertainment for the night, and can head back to sit through his two-hour acting tuition.
The last item on the agenda is women, and in Italy, there’s no shortage of bella donnas. This is where all that Kapoor charisma comes in handy, and soon there’s a line of supermodels outside the door, queuing up to have Ranveer and Arjun gyrate their pelvises at them.
The actual party itself goes off without a hitch. George Clooney, Madonna, and Arjun Kapoor deliver thunderous performances. The man of the moment, Ranveer, walks into the party to an acoustic version of “Tune Maari Entriyan.” Ranveer’s probably dressed in his best gender-bending, haute-couture-meets-chappri attire and the party switches into high gear.
Bolly uncles like Shakti Kapoor join in via telepresence, stopping the proceedings to dole out typical uncle innuendo masquerading as advice. The uncles already at the event such as Anil Kapoor, Boney Kapoor, and Aditya Chopra enquire about the possibility of a stripper or adult entertainment of some nature. Guests are informed tharkiness isn’t welcome at this woke party, so 60 per cent of them leave.
The last to arrive is Deepika’s ex Ranbir, who stands in a corner looking forlorn and lost, as if Imtiyaz Ali has trained a camera at his mug. He’s tormented because Deepika has chosen marry the wrong “Ran…” but is looking forward to going down in Bollywood lore as the man who let Deepika slip away. He probably has a grappa too many before grabbing the mic and doing a rendition of “Nadaan Parinde,” which he soon realises is too close to home.
While Ranbir was shrieking “Ghar aaajaaa…” a car full of Carabinieri, aka Italian pandus pulls up to the lakeside party. Because drunk uncles and cops go together like chocolate ice-cream and onions, the party ends. When the dust finally settles and it’s time for pheras, Ranveer will probably look back on one of his last nights as a single eligible bachelor and decide to get a proper party planner the next time he’s throwing a soiree. He finally realises that anything with Arjun in it can never really be a hit.