To prevent tragedies like the CST bridge collapse recurring, the BMC has announced a slew of new measures: From putting up warning signs at the stairs of each bridge to fining pedestrians who insist on using the foot-bridge instead of jaywalking across the road like normal Indians.

China blocked yet another attempt by United Nations Security Council to deem Maulana Masood Azhar a global terrorist. But a Chinese spokesperson claimed to have constituted an expert panel of astrologers, palm-readers, and numerologists that concluded Azhar was not even dangerous enough to be called a local terrorist.

Last year, DeepVeer set the all-time record for the number of functions that can be contained in a single wedding. But Akash Ambani and Shloka Mehta have already outdone them. The proud groom was heard bragging about it at the reception.

Yoga guru Baba Ramdev claims that Patanjali Locks™ are so strong even CID’s Daya couldn’t break them. Defence ministry has ordered six locks to protect documents related to Rafale and other dubious deals.

Minutes after leaving his third marathon session with the Enforcement Directorate, Robert Vadra launches a new consultancy firm to provide solutions for all ED-related issues. Chanda Kochhar and her husband Deepak have got an early-bird discount on the economical family plan.

After Akash Ambani and Shloka Mehta’s Harry Potter-themed pre-wedding bash, Netflix approached the couple for a series titled The Wedding Academy. The couple has now arranged for Chota Bheem and Taimur-themed parties to generate footage for the show.

“If PM Modi continues to use our Maharaja flights for international trips as well as election campaigns for the next ten years, as he has done in the last five, we will sureshot be profitable one day,” RC Mishra, the director of Air India, was quoted as saying.

The Shiv Sena has formed an alliance with old ally BJP, despite claims from Sena leaders that the word “alliance” was not in their dictionary. Party heads said that they were impressed with the BJP’s changed ways, and had decided to increase the height of Shivaji statue by 2 cm.

“I think it is laughable that Cobrapost journalists even thought that Bhai would follow a script,” said a director who has done a number of projects with Bhai. “Whether it is Twitter, commercials, films, flight announcements, or even court, nobody tells Salman what to say or do.”

On its maiden trip to Varanasi from Delhi, Vande Bharat Express was not left damaged. There were no attempts to steal the fixtures, or break the windows. This behaviour has flummoxed Railways officials who have begun an investigation into the matter.

The TMC boss, Mamata Di has submitted a memorandum to WhatsApp CEO, asking him to change the “admin rights” for Mahagathbandhan group to prevent anyone from leaving. There will be a few more restrictions too: Terms like Saradha and Rose Valley are completely banned.

“We have all seen how quickly and efficiently Akshay Kumarji gets bottles of Thums Up from the shop. We believe he will bring this energy to this production house specialising in politicians’ biopics,” says an investor in Maggi Productions.

Industry insiders tell us that Bollywood will shut shop for the three days of Akash Ambani’s wedding. All stars have to be present at the ceremonies and everyone’s leave has been cancelled.

After Mamata Banerjee denied permission to Priyanka Gandhi to hold rallies in West Bengal, her husband Robert Vadra bought all the land parcels necessary for Priyanka’s roadshow, rallies, and meetings. “We are also exploring buying aerospace and water bodies in case the need arises,” said a Congress spokesperson.

Prem Vinashak, an unofficial spokesperson of Bajrang Dal said that the Adityanath government should have outlined the “Pyaar Kiya Toh Darna Ya” cess in the UP state budget. The cess is a part of the Dal’s anti-Valentine’s Day campaign.

With Priyanka Gandhi busy with the campaign for general elections, and Robert Vadra being held up for long stretches at the Enforcement Directorate office, the family has decided to turn Vadra’s home into a holiday destination and list it on AirBnB.

Who was Prime Minister Narendra Modi waving at during a photo op in Jammu and Kashmir? Theories have stated that it was the Statue of Unity that is visible from space. Mr Modi is believed to have met Taimur for tips on handling media attention.

The Baahubali team, which spent crores on creating the famous scene from the movie in which Prabhas uproots a Shivling, has hired the Hampi vandals for the sequel. Why spend on CGI when we have such strong men in the country?

As we know from our PM’s fascination with PUBG and selfies, he has a soft corner for millennials. Sources say that the government is considering a Pradhan Mantri Netflix Yojana ahead of the general elections.

In today’s budget session, the BJP is planning to introduce the Mandir Employment Guarantee Act, which will assure that all unemployed youth in the country will get a chance to work on the Ram Temple site.

With all the chatter around Pariksha Pe Charcha, young students have requested that they also get question papers in advance – just the way the PM receives all his questions prior to the interviews. They claim they will be able to approach life with the same confidence with which the PM approaches journalists.

Titled “Shri Prime Minister Narendra Modi Ji’s Temple Delay Par Charcha”, the event featured a panel of some of the finest people who never make it to places on time, as well as notes from the PM himself on how to deal with delays.

During an emotional press conference, Priyanka Gandhi confesses her affection for the lovable cartoon character. Analysts call it a political masterstroke; BJP leaders look for another cartoon-related insult to centre their campaign around.

The man who printed 7.5 crore letters for the Prime Minister has become super rich overnight. This is part of the government’s flagship Make Vendors Millionaires (MVM) programme.

Sources have said that Priyanka Chopra is worried that her namesake Priyanka Gandhi’s entry into politics will make the actress irrelevant. Meanwhile, Robert Vadra and Nick Jonas reported to be frontrunners to play the lead in Daamad No 1.

Following PM Modi’s Ekaant Ki Baat, where he said that he introspects in the jungle for a few days every year, Taimur has requested for the address to avoid being photographed. “Let him introspect, whether he wants to join IIT or try his luck in the movies,” said Saif Ali Khan.

Hardik Pandya is doing everything in his power to convince the BCCI to lift the ban. Inspired by the Surat couple who made a Rafale-theme wedding invite, the bowler is now printing a card that will list his strengths.

Post the Mahagathbandhan rally, some people have accused their leaders of lacking a clean image to become an alternative option to the ruling party. A leader tasked with managing the selection process proposed that should be settled over a game of PUBG.

Upset that they have to spend a vacation in Gurugram, several Karnataka BJP leaders revolted against their party leadership on Friday. They’ve challenged the BJP to move them to a luxury resort by 2024.

An investigation reveals why it took three years for the Delhi police to file the charge sheet against Kanhaiya Kumar and Umar Khalid. The officers first assigned with the task loved the campus life and refused to leave.

Sources say, Boney Kapoor, who investigated the sexual harassment charge against filmmaker Raju Hirani, with the help of the now-defunct CID, will write the screenplay. Chetan Bhagat to write a novel based on movie when he gets an afternoon off.

In a Kumbh miracle, Rahul Gandhi and Narendra Modi finally agree on something – banning women from Sabarimala. Sources say Karan Johar now plans to host the long-lost brothers on Koffee With Karan.

A source close to the PMO said that the PM is bored of flying kites in the traditional manner, blasting Falguni Pathak songs and shouting ‘lapet’ everytime someone’s kite gets cut. All he needs is a microphone.

Congress workers are really worried about their chief Rahul Gandhi, who is more obsessed with Rafale than Ranveer Singh is with bling. “We miss the days baba spent watching Chhota Bheem, taking selfies with farmers, and saying the words ‘women empowerment’ repeatedly,” said a party worker.

The beleaguered cricketer who made misogynist comments on Koffee With Karan, has decided to hire an image makeover firm to launch the Swacchh Hardik campaign. Going forward there will be no more sleazy, off-the-cuff tann ki baat, only well-rehearsed, politically correct mann ki baat.

Mumbai commuters were unaware of the 48-hour Bharat Bandh called by trade unions across the country. Those who had believed that the Western Express Highway would have less traffic, had their hopes cruelly dashed.

Congress chief asks PM Modi why the CID team was let go despite 21 years of collective crime-solving experience; somehow manages to bring up Rafale deal again.

Sources say PM Narendra Modi will feature shots of the Prime Minister tackling tough questions on cow vigilantism, Rafale; Vivek Oberoi locks himself in abandoned Kingfisher aircraft to prepare for the greatest role of his life.

A day after Supreme Court notices lead in Maggi, Nasa discovers giant lead reserves in hostels, PGs, and bachelor pads across the country. Indian government asks the space agency to look for gold in the RBI next.

After yet another poor performance by opener KL Rahul in Australia, coach Ravi Shastri had no choice but turn to that one person who comes to the rescue of every Indian in trouble overseas – Sushma Swaraj. “We know, your party wants nothing to do with anyone named Rahul, but please help ma’am,” Shastri wrote.

Women who broke into the Sabarimala shrine credit SRK’s Raj Aryan from Mohabbatein for encouraging them to take this step. Sources have been hallucinating about Amitabh Bachchan expelling devotees from the entrance of the shrine.

“Not only did we nullify Pujara’s one and half days of laboured effort, we did it in style with a much better strike rate than Pujara,” Australian ex-captain Ricky Ponting told reporters. Sources say he’s targeting the chief statistician position in the Mumbai Indians team.

Days after Chief Minister Yogi Adityanath asks state authorities to come up with better shelters for stray cows, Allahabad-based startup GOYO rooms announces 5-star facilities for bovine visitors.

Yoga guru Baba Ramdev recently said that it was “very difficult” to predict the next Prime Minister of India. Soon after this bizarre statement, a BJP leader was charged for gomutra at Ramdev’s ashram. Analysts are unsure about what ticked the yoga guru-cum-businessman off.

“Wholly scientific” formula published by UP government after 4,000 years of research tells you how many cows you’re worth and vice-versa. It’s being hailed as India’s biggest contribution to mathematics since Aryabhata’s zero.

The wife of a parliamentarian is reportedly angry with him after he cancelled vacation plans to attend the winter session. Sources say she had scouted the perfect package for a year-end vacation to Italy, but he refused to go saying he had work.

Anyone who dares to talk about the lack of transparency on Arnab Goswami’s primetime show tonight, is the perfect candidate for us, say producers of reality show Khatron Ke Khiladi.

After Supreme Court says there is no need to investigate the Rafale deal further, hordes of protestors from the Congress stormed the streets. Confusing Rafael with Rafale and Hollande with Holland, some have set Nadal effigies on fire, others have cancelled their trip to Amsterdam.

Shaktikanta Das, recently appointed the RBI Governor after Urjit Patel’s resignation, was unable to study Economics in college because the university was too far from his house. Sources in the government say he’s now bought a copy of Freakonomics.

Bollywood actor cancels his own wedding to attend the event of the year, Isha Ambani’s wedding with Anand Piramal, at Antilia. Several guests caught throwing khakra in polar bear enclosure.

Sources say pop sensation Beyoncé is prepared to follow up on her Ambani wedding performance, with an all-new tracklist. Songs will include, “All the single Yogis”, a powerful diss track, and “Dung in Love”, a ballad for all BJP supporters in these trying times.

Impressed by the method he used to encourage Pat Cummins to hit a six, UN committee asks Rishabh Pant to deliver Ted Talk at next G20 summit. Pant plans to tell Trump he’s no match for Putin.

Sources say if the UP CM helps the Kedarnath filmmakers, Shiv bhakts will disown him and Rahul Gandhi will declare himself a Shiv Bhakt. If he doesn’t, he will lose his reputation for being the Vin Diesel of name changes.

A day after the Supreme Court pulled up the government for sending the CBI chief on exile, the government says it has video proof that the decision was made after following due procedure – a best of five coin toss.

Taimur Ali Khan can’t fill tabloid pages by himself anymore, says his nanny Savitri. We were hoping a Virushka baby would share the responsibility.

The IIT Madras vigilance officer, who counted used condom packets from the dustbins of the campus, is the frontrunner for the CBI chief post. Sources say the government is impressed by his razor-sharp vision.

NITI Aayog member says weddings will kick-start the Indian economy in the coming quarter, will ask Salman Khan to get married next in case things go south.

In an Instagram post, Priyanka Chopra’s second aunt says that Nick Jonas is “kanjoos” for getting married in Jodhpur, wishes she was related to Deepika Padukone instead.

In what is touted to be the most expensive movie ever made, Maharaja Window Seat films plans a biopic on Prime Minister’s travels; Imtiaz Ali already in Mongolia.

Leader says Supreme Court ignored RSS’s draft on Ayodhya verdict. He demands that the government start an appraisal system for judges who don’t stick to the script.

While NASA has managed to land a robot on Mars, India had an achievement of its own, when an autowallah in Mumbai actually agreed to go to Andheri. The driver, who had recently arrived from Kanpur in UP, was yet unfamiliar with the ways of Mumbai.

Impressive projects like the Shivaji statue in Maharashtra, the Ram statue in UP, and Cauvery statue in Karnataka are all in the pipeline, creating, for the first time since 2014, an abundance of jobs.

Why is Sajid Khan thankful for #MeToo? What are DeepVeer most grateful for? Find out how Indian celebrities and politicians celebrated this Thanksgiving.

Explosive report claims Hanuman took shelter in Haji Ali when he went looking for jadi buti. Uddhav Thackeray asked to change name immediately if he wants credit for Ram Mandir.

Karan Johar is launching a new show Toffee With Karan, which will host only star kids. The toffee hamper, sources tell us, will include a Taimur doll.

The traffic in Bengaluru has worsened with guests arriving a day ahead of Deepika Padukone and Ranveer Singh’s reception. Some relatives have decided to start walking toward the venue from today.

Bajrang Dal activists who helped reclaim Tejo Mahalaya from foreign invaders turned away from Sabarimala temple. They alleged that the guards were from Pakistan.

Dharma Productions says the launch calendar of star kids is full until 2038. Deepika-Ranveer and other Bollywood couples have been asked to consult Karan Johar before family planning.

Also part of the new reforms is verbal oath that MNS workers won’t beat someone who hasn’t fully recovered from their previous beating; toll booth workers are reportedly ecstatic.

Dassault chief Eric Trappier is so confident he is telling the truth about the Rafale deal, he’s willing to be thoroughly interrogated by the Noida police. Will also attend Arnab Goswami’s debate so the nation finally hears the truth.

Not wanting to offend sentiments, government sets up high-level committee of the finest Agarwal, Aggarwal, and Agrawals in the country – along with Shashi Tharoor – to come to a conclusion; considers implementing an odd-even-like scheme.

Responding to the Indian skipper’s “leave India” remark, a minister said, “If Kohli really wants to learn how to put anti-nationals in their place, I would recommend he listen to Giriraj bhai or Yogi ji’s inspiring speeches during his morning workout routine.”

The super-slow RBI printing machines took 18 months to share the box office collection tally of 2016 sleeper hit, Thugs of Hindostan – The Demonetisation Edition. Trade analysts think that it should take only another week, before they get a clearer idea of what the sequel stands to make.

Rome wasn’t built in a day. But a UP politician said he could build a Ram statue along with the mandir faster than anything – only if Ayodhya had enough smog to keep their covert operation a secret.

The Delhi smog has made life difficult for its many citizens. Not only is the air they breathe in toxic AF, Rahul Khanna, who sources identified as a “cheater”, returned to Mumbai alone after Anjali accidentally married the wrong man because she couldn’t see the groom.

In an emotional letter written to the Supreme Court, government explains why it can’t share Rafale details; uses Baby Taimur to get sympathy.

With the covert participation of DRDO, ISRO, and the PMO, the Statue of Unity features several cutting-edge innovations that make it more than just a memorial. From tracking down loan defaulters and launching moon missions, here’s what our country’s newest statue could be used for.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. The PMO has reached out to Congress MP Baba Siddique, who was in the past credited for re-uniting Shah Rukh and Salman Khan, to convince Donald Trump to accept Prime Minister Narendra Modi’s invite.

Even as the Ayodhya hearing gets deferred, the Rath Yatra that started it all, is finally getting an upgrade like all of India’s train services. Scientists say the new rath can take you from Allahabad to Prayagraj in just one minute.

Just like Trump detractors in the US, “thain thain” bomb has been sent to hundreds of politicians in the last 20 hours. Recipients are asked to forward message to five people immediately, if they want to contest elections again.

In an exclusive interview, the IB officials caught snooping on Alok Verma tell us they found giant cutout of François Hollande inside Verma’s puja room. They are all fans of international spy, James Bond.

After MJ Akbar said that lies don’t have legs, an army of 97 lawyers defending him pointed out that they might not have adequate leg space in a courtroom to fight the sexual harassment cases against him.

With 20,000-odd cases against politicians and criminals closed, Prayagraj will boast of a zero crime record. UP’s new township for the modern Hindu bhakt is the city everyone should live in.

With the future of Housefull 4 in jeopardy, producers says members of the Sleazy Sajid Club will be disappointed. The biggest loser as always is Bollywood.

After Shashi Tharoor used the word “floccinaucinihilipilification” to talk about his new book, Twitter considers increasing the character limit so that he can complete a tweet.

The railway ministry is planning to introduce a state-of-the-art “free yourself from derailment” system. It involves teaching travellers to be on their toes and jump off the bogies if they feel the train may go off the track.

India’s #MeToo moment has ensured the reputations of supposedly woke people gets Banksy’d. In the aftermath, Amitabh Bachchan plans to pen an open letter and a new-age Bollywood director has promised to take action against colleagues accused of harassment three-four years after the incident is brought to his attention.

The government’s immensely generous ₹2.5-₹5 drop in petrol prices has given thousands of people the financial freedom they needed to buy two packets of peanuts instead of one.

What happens when two of the world’s fittest leaders meet? A discussion on arms turns into a conversation about which leader has the larger bicep. Russia’s Vladimir Putin takes of his shirt and PM Modi talks about his “STREANH”.

With the rupee hitting an all-time low, a 10-year-old from Haryana tells shocked relatives he will only accept dollars for kharchi.

In the interview of the year, Uttar Pradesh chief minister Adityanath opens up about his policies in Uttar Pradesh, the recent spate of extra-judicial killings and beatings, his critics, and his new-found love: The Fast and the Furious series.

With chest-thumping competitions, barbadi biryani, and seminars on how to shoot rockets off your shoulder, India’s first Surgical Strike Day at universities is a massive success!

A Supreme Court verdict decided that we don’t have to link our Aadhaar with our bank accounts and mobile phones. Explosive investigations now reveal private organisations are shutting down because they are no longer allowed to send users 43 annoying SMSes a day.

The Supreme Court has left it to the Parliament to take a call on criminal politicians. After an Uttar Pradesh party announced it would give tickets to Shambhulal Regar and the Dadri lynching accused, aspiring politicians are scrambling to chest-thump over their own crimes.

For the prize of a herd of high-yield milch cows and a designer gaushala, the Uttarakhand government is inviting participants for their new reality show, aimed at entrenching the cow’s position as the mother of the nation.

Reports emerge about JNU students’ insidious plan to take over the country. Expect a barrage of jholas, and a number of contraceptives to be thrown in your face, while the army prepares the 36 Rafale jets to counter protestors.

Bigg Boss participants refuse to perform tasks until Anup Jalota sings more than seven words without getting distracted. Sponsors too have threatened to pull out if singer doesn’t finish the bhajan.

Patanjali has created a new “miracle” product that will not only act as a cheaper substitute for petrol, but can also be used as gomutra, fairness cream, and lubricant.

An exclusive report submitted by the investigation agency details the measures that were taken to bring the fugitive home. Claims Mallya’s escape plans inspired by Cartoon Network.

If Raghuram Rajan really wanted the PMO to pay heed to his report on high-profile fraud cases, he should have tweeted it to the official handle. Isn’t he aware that the PMO is more active on social media than anywhere else?