What is football if not theatre for the masses? Why is it that we speak about Neymar’s antics, Zidane’s headbutt, and Suarez’s bite with as much fervour as their feints, touches that drop the ball dead, and bull-like tenacity? We love it when our idols fall because then we can devour their pieces.

A few months ago, after a series of consecutive Arsenal losses, I hesitantly shifted to the #WengerOut side. After all the club was bigger than the manager, right? But as I heard about his decision to step down, I felt a vacuum. I realised, for me, Arsene and Arsenal, had become one.

Indian men do not usually indulge in pedicures and facials. Who and what then gives us succour from the relentless onslaught of life? The answer, my friends, is in the strong, virile, and skilful hands of the neighbourhood barber and his vigorous champi.

Year after year it is the same story. Arsenal fans are like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day: Every season is their season, until it isn’t.

The anonymous creator of Humans of Hindutva was forced to shut down his page after he received death threats. A parody Facebook page now draws the same level of bile as a Gauri Lankesh and MM Kalburgi. This is not a great time to be a dissenter in India.

Four years ago, satirist and poet Asrar Jamayee was declared dead by Delhi’s Social Welfare Department and stopped receiving a paltry pension. Now the 80-year-old’s life revolves around proving that he is not dead.

The implementation of the GST has turned into a nightmare for small traders. As the government focuses on the big picture, the small man on the ground is edged into the margins.

For those of us at a distance, buffeted by education and privilege, Ram Rahim Singh’s conviction is a triumph of the country’s legal system. But for his followers, it’s an attack on the only belief system that has done them any good.

Any good poet should be able to touch your heart – but Shiv Kumar Batalvi had the ability to rip it out of your chest, and then place it back there gently.

We can have a measured response to the attack on Amarnath yatris in Kashmir. Or we can play right into the hands of terrorists.

Why do we lynch? There is something in the make-up of Indian crowds that makes them declare themselves judge, jury, and in some cases even the executioner.

What will Donald Trump do on his first day in office? Maybe fire some and grab some.

When I was growing up, I could pick up a porn film and a few life lessons for ₹15. No more. The arrival of high-speed internet, has marked the end of a pornographic era.

The Doves of Peace are outraged, as India talks tough with Pakistan. Why can’t we simply deescalate the tension over a free phirni?

Would Troy still have fallen if India had sent the same officials to manage the Greek and Trojan contingents as the ones we sent to the Rio Olympics?

A Kashmiri in exile makes a plea to people back home: When you tell the story of these last few weeks, tell it as a cautionary tale and not a fable of martyrdom.