One week into your childhood swimming classes, the coach becomes more dangerous in the water than a coked-up crocodile. Scared toddlers are thrown from the diving board and horrified kids are set adrift without floats, struggling for their lives and gulping down weird-tasting water.

Sunil Chhetri has been providing fans with magical moments throughout his career, it’s just that we haven’t been around to witness them. He’s more than a “Goal Machine” and “Captain Fantastic”, he is the man who has inspired an indifferent crowd to finally pay attention to Indian football.

If Bear Grylls hosted a show on Mumbai it would be titled Man vs BMC. The traffic in the city is a true equaliser, where Mukesh Ambani gets stuck in the same jam as you and I. Two hours of commute every day also provides a lesson in anger management and patience.

The MNS, which has been breaking Mumbai footpaths to protest potholes and beating up cinema hall managers, has a unique approach to tackling problems. It can be summed up by the motto, “What would Gandhi do? I’ll do the exact opposite of that.”

Congratulations, Mumbai, your apathy truly deserves an applause. Your tax money is used to build roads, repair them, so when there are pothole-related casualties, you are paying for your own death. The biopic on the city should ideally be titled “Bombay, the City that Never Feels”.

In a world that idolises speed, Luka Modrić has mastered the art of the pause. Of waiting for the right moment. Of moulding space and time on the football pitch. With three Man of the Match awards, he’s had a stellar tournament. And yet, nothing about him screams, “Look at me!”

Everything is fair in love and VAR. This was true at the World Cup final between France and Croatia where a controversial VAR decision tilted the game in the favour of Les Bleus.

Unlike the BMC, Mumbai’s trains were there when their city needed them the most, in the harshest days of the monsoon. Timely announcements were made, heavy-duty pumps chugged water out, and food packets were provided to stranded passengers on long-distance trains. The local truly is the city’s 3 am bestie.

Every Monday to Friday, you wake up during the monsoon with just one question in mind: “Aaj chutti hai kya?” You may rant against the BMC on Facebook, but you secretly hope that your faith in its inability to deal with any rain situation is not shaken.

Dear Football World Cup, now that India vs England cricket has started, I will have to dump you. You made quite a few false promises. You told me Neymar was going to bring swagger to the Cup, but all he did was roll on the floor. If I wanted to see a brown guy with a funky hairstyle doing nothing for 90 minutes, I’d pick Hardik Pandya instead.

2018 marked a rare World Cup where England arrived sans their usual hype and unwarranted swagger. Fans and pundits didn’t have high expectations from this young England squad – until the first kickoff whistle blew.

Diego Maradona is GOAT. At the World Cup clash between Argentina and Nigeria, he showed us yet again that he is not just the world’s greatest footballer. He is also the world’s greatest football fan.

With the monsoon, comes a surfeit of #pluviophile Tinder bios. You, who takes an Uber to the ATM a couple of kilometres away, impulsively sign up for a 15-kilometre trek on a rainy Sunday. Because the exhibition of your love for the rain is incomplete without a selfie atop Harishchandragadh. What could possibly go wrong?

When Sachin didn’t do well, the Indian team would invariably fold like a pack of cards, and the situation isn’t too different for Lionel Messi, Argentina’s all-time top goal scorer. When Messi has a quiet game, Argentina looks more disjointed than India’s finance ministry.

In a letter addressed to the finance minister, Arvind Subramanian writes, “Now is a good time to look back at my memorable, if patchy, tenure as chief economic advisor. Yes, I’d have loved it if we weren’t forced to do yoga every morning. On the bright side, it has made me fitter, although I wish I could say the same about the shape of our economy.”

Cricket is no longer a contest between bat and ball. It’s Virat Kohli vs Steve Smith vs Joe Root vs Kane Williamson. Bowlers do not exist to create their own legacies, they merely exist as a hindrance to a batsman’s legacy.

As world leaders advocate stricter immigration policies and hostility toward Muslims around the globe rises, that one of the world’s most loved footballers should be a Muslim, is a sweet irony. Mohamed Salah is not merely an icon of the game, but as Liverpool fans call him – a gift from Allah.

I have a game plan against Portugal, and his name is Sergio Ramos. I’m not going to go into much detail, but I’ll just whisper “Ronaldo” in his ears before kick-off and he’ll know what to do.

The next 30 days are going to be all about football and the World Cup. So even if you don’t find the game beautiful, you need to fit in. Pick a top team and pretend to support it. Do not say things like “I think The Netherlands or Italy will win the Cup” and “The Mexico team is building a wall. Lol.”

Everyone remembers their first day of college, when you walked in, the epitome of cool – i.e. a sasta rip-off of Honey Singh who is desperate to fit in. But by the time you’re ready to leave, you know you’ll miss the little things, like the Xerox shop where you got chocolates instead of change.

With journalistic credibility at an all-time low, I now look at news channels the same way my parents look at my career - with zero expectations.

In the world of finance, Advanced Excel is the only thing that will get you respect. For accountants everywhere, Excel is not the class nerd; it is Clark Kent. It can also help further your love life – because Excel in the spreadsheets, is better than coffee in the streets.

To all the poor sods expecting their results this exam season, you have our sympathy. We get it. A two-digit magical number is now going to determine the rest of your life: Whether you get into the best college, land a good job, get a marriage proposal, or want to go to Jupiter someday.

The state has developed a rather incompetent manual on How to Respond to Protests, which was applied to the Sterlite stir in Tuticorin. First ignore an agitation, then try to contain it. And after attempts to shut a protest fails, bring out the big guns.

The result of every office conference call is like the Karnataka elections. After spending hours of time and energy on debating a subject, you reach a fractured verdict.

Uneasy lies the head that once wore the crown. As if it weren’t difficult enough to once run Pakistan, I now feel scared in my own country over my 2008 Mumbai Attack remarks. I am now receiving the only thing that is worse than hate in Pakistan – love from India.

Being the car DJ is like being a parent. No matter what you do, it’s never going to be enough. If you play pop music, you’ll be asked if you’re 12 years old. Try playing classic rock, you’ll be asked if you’re 100. Crank up some Arijit Singh, you’ll be asked if you broke up recently.

I fondly remember the early days of Flipkart, when we delivered books on our scooters. People were still reading books instead of listicles and the traffic at Silk Board junction was not yet frozen. But now I have a billion dollars, so I’ll just sit back and watch the street fight between Amazon and Walmart.

The Bollywood apocalypse movie begins with a MET warning, but given its previous history with predictions, no one believes them. This doomsday scenario and everyone’s complete ignorance to it, is articulated through a Malaika Arora item song about living life to the fullest.

The Kathua rape and murder has illustrated once again that whataboutery is our national pastime. Social media is rife with arguments that refuse to acknowledge it as a communal attack, because “where were you in 1984”? The goal of all whataboutery is to never get to the bottom of difficult questions – and to never ask the right ones.

I received sex education long before the rest of my classmates, when a senior pointed out what my name “actually” meant. Dick references became an integral part of my life like diabetes in a Gujarati meal. I do believe names shape your personality – mine taught me a sense of humour.

The metrics for being a good child are different for Indian boys and girls. There is a soft bigotry of low expectations for boys, and a very high degree of expectations from a girl. By 10 years of age, my sister was equipped to survive a season on LOST – but I was the good boy who didn’t need to do anything more than tuck his legs in.

Salman Khan walks into Jodhpur Central Jail and bumps into another “celebrity inmate” – Asaram Bapu. Bhaijaan greets him with a namaste, Bapu turns around and says, “I’m a virgin too.”

I lose control of myself to another entity when I’m using cashless payments. The real me knows that that gola-maker is a reckless purchase, but the cashless wallet version says, “Wouldn’t a kala-khatta gola be great in this heat?”

Remember that one house in the building that was lit up the entire night during board exams? Those kids have now grown up to be accountants at multinational companies. And the financial year end brings out the worst in them.

If there’s one lesson I’ve learnt from this ball-tampering fiasco, it is that you can never trust these interns. You had one job, Bancroft!

In the Cambridge Analytica exposé, Facebook has been negligent with sensitive data. Google was fined €2.42 billion by the EU for manipulating search engine results to favour its own shopping service. Do they then have a moral right to carry out the function of being the internet police?

Can you imagine a world without Facebook? I worry about the extreme consequences of this event, for the timeline of my life would be ruined if Facebook had to deactivate its account.

A manufactured sense of happiness is pervasive these days. On social media in the form of #HeartReactsOnly and #MyHappyPlace and #LoveMyLife. It is this constant reminder of how I’m not leading a happy life that is making me… unhappy.

Each time I go for a shower, I feel like I have entered an examination hall of cosmetic care. WTF is a “Strawberry and Cream Silky Shampoo”? Is it meant to be eaten or used on the hair? What about the egg-nourishing conditioner? Can a vegetarian use it?

The Finance Bill and Appropriation Bill were passed in the Lok Sabha on Wednesday in a little over 30 minutes. I spent more time choosing between a paneer roll and vegetable sandwich on a flight from Mumbai to Pune than our elected representatives did, about money that would affect the lives of 130 crore people.

My name has been cleared in the Mangalore pub case, but I continue to suffer the psychological after-effects of this smear campaign. For instance, I get really mad when I enter pubs. They are dull and dark and remind me of my political career.

As state after state goes to polls, the demand for farm-loan waivers tends to get louder. Governments cave in, fearing political defeat. But what makes good political sense, rarely makes for good moral and economic sense.

While the Man of the Match in the men's 2016 Asia Cup won 7,500 USD, the women's captain Mithali Raj received a prize of only 250 USD. Why does the women's game receive the stepchild treatment in the same tournament?

It’s the worst time to be a statue in India. On odd days, we love them, on even days, we hate them. The downfall of Lenin and Periyar has Sardar Patel’s Statue of Unity exclaiming, “#GoBustOrGoHome”.

It’s that time of the year when every Std X student is asked a question he has no answer to: Science, Commerce, or Arts? They are also subjected to educational stereotypes – the geeks take Science, the average guy takes Commerce, and the losers opt for Arts.

The golden rule is everything you wear for Holi – from your chaddi to your ego – must be on the verge of disposal. Remember, moms are complete non-believers when it comes to the “daag acche hai” theory.

In a world where Google can provide the answer to every question, why can’t we get the office air conditioner to work for everyone? Why does the AC stand in the way of complete collegial harmony?

“Abhi mehnat kar lo, baad mein aish hai” is the original Fake News of the world. Don’t fall for it.

Dear PNB, we were in a steady relationship for seven years and now you’ve broken my heart. You’ve destroyed my brand faster than Salman Khan managed to destroy Vivek Oberoi’s acting career.

Why do people lead stressful lives, work 24X7, ignoring their loved ones? Obviously, for you to be able to take a huge loan from a bank, never return that money, and party with Chris Gayle in Jamaica. Hard work is for suckers, real men work smart.

Hint: It’s NEVER the men in the middle of financial storms who pay up.

I am an SSC student, the lowest rung in the social hierarchy of the school system. While ICSE and CBSE students studied French and German, we were struggling with Marathi barakhadi. They were veer bahadur Rajput boys, we were Model ke pyjama chaaps.

To get the attention of your employer make sure your résumé stands out like Ranveer Singh at an award show. And if you graduated from a Lovely University it’s best to mention LP University on your CV. Ambiguity, they say, is better than embarrassment.

Gone are the days of good old steamed idlis and paneer-capsicum pizza. Today restaurants that serve pav bhaji fondue and red velvet dhokla flourish. It doesn’t matter if the food tastes awful. Just like our lives online, it is only important that the food we eat looks great.

After two consecutive flops “Demonetisation Mana Hai” and “GST Zinda Hai”, Arun Jaitley is hoping his next film “Budget Raja” will appeal to the masses. We’ll give it three stars but will know the exact box office collections only in 2019.

Every Mumbaikar knows a rickshawallah won’t look at you unless you address him as “boss”; no one ever questions the use of “rapchik” as a compliment. It wasn’t until I went to Delhi that I realised why I’ve always fared 37/100 in my Hindi paper.

One might think the construction worker who filed an IT return, did something stupid. He could have just carried on with his illegal business and no one would ever have known. But I think he is on to something big.

Seriously Mark, if I wanted more personal conversations about Rekha’s saree at the Filmfare awards, I wouldn’t be browsing Facebook on my phone at the dinner table.

As the most hyped film of the year releases, I am going to watch Padmaavat on principle. But the question worrying me the most is: After all the hype, what if I were risking my life to watch a movie that turned out to be a three-hour snooze fest?

Failure is a bit like watching porn, the first time is the hardest. Then comes a time when you can count your CA marks on your fingers, but need a calculator to count your attempts. Through this cycle, you get prepared for life.

My father has two personalities. One reserved for the rest of the year and one for Makar Sankranti, when he goes from Bruce Wayne to full-on Batman, patang and phirki in tow.

I’m in a complicated relationship with Aadhaar. When we first met, we “linked” instantly. But now it’s a love-hate relationship. She loves me, I hate her. Aadhaar has security as well as insecurity issues.

The ₹950-crore fodder scam is termed as large-scale embezzlement of government treasury funds given to non-existent companies for purchase and supply of cattle fodder. That sounds complex, but for Lalu Prasad Yadav it was as simple as stealing money from the family piggy bank.

We’ve come to a point where the planet is now at the mercy of Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un, two individuals with funny haircuts and terrifying personalities, who have access to nuclear weapons. How did we get here?

So much happened during the last year, that 2018 promises to keep it interesting. The election circus will start, Virat Kohli will be accused of being “distracted” by his wedding, and Padmavati might even release.

If Facebook were to make a year-end review video for the BMC, it would have a really distressing story to tell. This year, we’ve had a doctor fall into a manhole and lose his life, the Elphinstone station stampede, multiple deaths due to potholes, and now the horrendous Kamala Mills fire.

Back in the day, families gathered around the TV to watch Filmfare Awards on New Year’s eve, while feasting on pav bhaji. Today, the cult around the New Year party has changed drastically. No matter where you live, there will be a party within a 100-metre radius.

Mumbaikars will no longer be able to jump into the AC local before it comes to a halt at the platform as its doors will be shut. This is a great loss to the city’s cultural life.

Secret Santa is a certainty in most offices, next only to death and taxes. Some of you will draw the name of your crush and break the ₹1,000 limit, some of you will recycle your Diwali dry-fruit hamper before it expires.

Tuesday is the worst day of the week, not Monday. If Monday is Trump, Tuesday is Kim Jong-un.

What a stressful time it has been for the Congress President, what with all the Gujarat campaigning, the party elections, the fracas over his religion, and the dratted jokes that never stop coming.

As I got ready to head to the polling booth, I saw on TV that the Prime Minister was heading to vote in the same location. The traffic looked scary, and for once, I wished I could take a seaplane there.

Dear Indian Troll, I have noticed that you have now found a new target in Amruta Fadnavis. I had to take off your name from the Naughty List, and put you on the Assholes List.

In the campaign for Gujarat, all the positive messaging and promise of acche din from 2014 seems to have dissolved. As the PM, it is only fair that you direct the country toward the kind of intelligent debate we deserve.

The moment the shortlist is announced for football’s Ballon d’Or award, I begin preparing for the Ronaldo-Messi circle-jerk.

Navigating the world of digital laughter requires tact in using “LOL”, “LMAO”, and crying-with-laughter emojis.

Working from home is like the time your teacher told you to “read” something for homework. It meant that there was no homework.

As marathon season begins around the country, you’ll realise there are two kinds of people at any such race. There are the Spandex-Fitbit-variety folks who are doing last-minute stretches. And then there is you.

Are monkeys ever arrested for playing with wires and cables? Are crows arrested for shitting on people wearing white shirts to work? This is no country for us “beasts of burden”.

Always be the first one to arrive at a party and befriend the guy who comes next. Don’t leave his side. He can do all the talking when confronted with strangers, leaving you free to simply nod in agreement.

Virat Kohli has brought up the issue of how he and his teammates are overworked. When workers are overworked, it’s a labour law issue. In cricket, we call it entertainment.

If Thanksgiving is a day to give thanks for all that we have received, India would be at loss for where to begin. This year, we’ve made significant leaps in the conversation around sexual assault and we didn’t have to suffer another round of demonetisation.

It has been a tough few months for the director of Padmavat, as the film readies for release later in January. Sanjay Leela Bhansali was slapped around by the Karni Sena and both the right and the left accused him of distorting history.

The entire “90s kids” train of nostalgia is designed to make our childhood feel special and unique, while we shit on the children of today. But what Mr Bean is to me, probably Shin Chan is to them.

Can we just ignore statistics and facts, and look at the good things demonetisation gave us? Post 8/11, the economic literacy in the country shot up overnight, faster than the turnover of Jay Shah’s Temple Enterprises.

There are people who are cool, and then there is Andrea Pirlo. We bid goodbye to one of the most effortless and graceful players of all time. A classic vintage car in the world of SUVs and mean machines.

If terms like offshore entities, tax havens, and shell companies stress you out, here’s a Stranger Things analogy to explain what the Paradise Papers are all about.

The new iPhone has hit Indian shelves and it is driving men nuts. They know it’s the only way they will ever have close to six inches in their pants.

Ashish Nehra will play his last game of international cricket today. Nehra ji has been playing for so long that it feels like he was one of the original dudes who faced the British for teen guna lagaan.

As our parents slowly embrace technology, the children end up becoming the teachers. But, as we all know, children can be real assholes.

I’m atheist and it bothers my mother. But what worries her more is relatives finding out that I don’t believe in God. After all, log kya kahenge.

The long weekend begins to unleash havoc with the three most dreaded words in holiday history: “Let’s plan something.”

The Serial Screenshotter has one superpower: He takes a hell lot of screenshots. He finds the one thing on the internet that you are not proud of and exposes it. He is the unofficial FBI of the internet.

Bigg Boss is no fun. I don’t want to spend the next four months watching a house full of, say Pearl Puris (seriously, who is she?). So I drew up my own Bigg Boss Dream Team.

There have been stampedes in other parts of the world, but why does it feel like India is an especial victim along the route of this deathly juggernaut?

I’m a Gujarati boy who sucks at garba. So I try to redeem myself by arranging passes for garba nights, even if that means bartering Sunburn tickets for Falguni Pathak.

If there’s something that unites India, it is that people of all ages, castes, religions, and sexes will believe anything that appears in their WhatsApp.

Google, today, is an illustration of the Indian political landscape. The essential flaw that afflicts Google – a complete lack of competition – also shapes our government.

Keyboard Samaritans are a breed of people who find their mojo on the day of a tragedy. As Cyclone Ockhi approaches Maharashtra, it’s time for them to come out of the closet.