It took three years to charge sheet Kanhaiya Kumar and Umar Khalid, who’d organised a rally condemning the death of Afzal Guru – but only six months to charge sheet Afzal Guru. Get ready India, for a new form of terrorism, where militants enter our country strapped with polarising opinions and unleash them in a crowded market.

Somewhere in his failure to make a good, authentic film on the 10 years of UPA, Vijay Gutte delivers a movie that resembles the UPA era – incoherent, helmed by corrupt people, and that familiar feeling of wondering when the fuck you’ll get done with this bullshit. If this is the launch of the BJP 2019 campaign, I am pretty disappointed.

The Modi government has stopped printing the ₹2000 note after two years. It's be time to say goodbye to the note that was crafted out of one of Govinda’s magenta waistcoats from the early ’90s.

Now that Vijay Mallya might be extradited, I propose a harsher punishment for him rather than sending him to jail: Appoint him the CEO of Air India with immediate effect. He’ll do what nobody has achieved before — shut the damn thing down.

You can’t put a price tag on memorials like the Statue of Unity. They could serve as a starting point to anyone who wants to discover our history in the future. I just have one question here: What great structures have we built in the last 50 years that will stand the test of time? Orion Mall? Lodha World Towers?

Chetan Bhagat’s first memoir, titled Harassing One Indian Girl, was released as WhatsApp screenshots and the second one was written as an email trail. After reviewing his seminal works, you realise Bhagat wasn’t hitting on the women at all. In fact, he was only hitting on himself.

How can a perfectly natural biological process like menstruation dictate whether you can enter Sabarimala Temple? If we’re going to do this, I’ll file a petition calling for a ban on sweaty men from working out in my gym. It’ll be fun to watch angry, perspiring men coming to the gym early in the morning with a 100 cops demanding to be let in.

The Indian hockey team thought getting Shaad Ali to make a biopic on former captain, Sandeep Singh would definitely get them some attention. Boy, were they wrong.

How do we get MP Sachin Tendulkar to attend Parliament like he did today? Maybe get some netas to go “Sachinnnn, Sachin! Saachinnnn, Sachin!” instead of disrupting his speech.

Bollywood's greatest sports biopic never made is about P V Sindhu, who rose like a phoenix from her Rio 2016 Olympics loss, to become the first-ever Indian in an Asian Games badminton final.

I am relieved that AAP has not come to power in Goa and will be unable to weed out the drugs and the corruption. Let’s be honest, we love Goa for everything that’s wrong with it.

Gurmehar Kaur’s biggest mistake was that she used the word Pakistan and didn’t follow it up with madarchods.

As a true-blue South Indian I’m outraged at the thought of having a Masala Dosa Burger. If McDonald’s wanted to ruin something from the South, it should’ve gone for Sreesanth.

Taimur Ali Khan has his whole life ahead of him and it does not include wars and genocide.

“Tata to Cyrus.” “Mistry Ends.” Looks like the only legacy Cyrus Mistry will leave behind is that of terrible puns.

Why stop at banning Pakistani actors? Let’s go ahead and ban the reverse swing and doosra, Pakistan’s contribution to world cricket.

Is Gandhism outdated for the very country it helped create? Of course not. But if you’re up against someone as powerful as you, Gandhism is a no-no.

The superstar grandpa pens a letter to Navya Naveli and Aaradhya talking about women empowerment. And of course, it has nothing to do with his upcoming film Pink.

The Jain monk spoke about female foeticide and sperm politics in the Haryana Assembly. But all that outraged Vishal Dadlani and his ilk was the nudity?

Shobhaa De’s scathing tweet about Indians not performing at the Olympics reeks of drunken uncles spewing out nonsense at a college reunion of the batch of 1970.

For most people, becoming the president of the United States is the most coveted job in the world. But for Trump, it’s actually a step down.

With due respect to Muhammad Ali, it is unbelievable that he “deeply moved” so many on my friend list. These are the six kinds of social-media mourners you should watch out for.

I miss the good old days of Orkut when it was acceptable to not have a PoV on every goddamn issue, when fans of Lata di got along with fans of PeeCee.

Jayalalithaa is the best Indian start-up ever, immune to the vagaries of market economics and venture capitalists.