Arré Checklist: What Your IPL Team Says About You

Sports

Arré Checklist: What Your IPL Team Says About You

Illustration: Arati Gujar

T

he year’s biggest carnival – the Indian Premier League is currently underway with an expected number of heartbreaks, losses, and cries of “Who watches IPL anymore?”. In the last 11 years, the T20 tournament has successfully managed to have a stronghold in our hearts by destroying the cricket in “Indian cricket”. And over the years, each side has evolved its own unique identity that draws in a certain breed of supporters, regardless of which city they are from. Here’s decoding what your favourite IPL team says about you.

The Sunriser Serial Killer

If you call yourself the Sunriser, you ought to take pride in your incredible willpower to wake up at 6 am to do yoga but refrain from ’gramming a selfie in the tree pose with the caption “Choose happiness”. Luckily for our social media timelines, you seem to have that rare talent. Even though people hardly think of you, you don’t mind fading into the background because you know that once they sit with you through the second innings, they will realise that they committed the grave crime of underestimating you. But by that point, it’s too late. The last thing they see before they die is a bouncer coming at their heads.  

Life motto you swear by: “The real strong have no need to prove it to the phonies.”
~ Charles Manson

(Chennai’s) Super fucKing Devoted

Joining the Whistle Podu Parishad is a big decision, but you’ve got what it takes: unwavering commitment and a senior citizen card. You’re a traditional soul who doesn’t believe in switching allegiances even in the face of a two-year ban. You’re the kind of person who enjoys a good, clean game of cricket without any silly celebrity owners or flashy uniforms. That’s how you managed to convince yourself that the match-fixing scandal was engineered by Anant Ambani.

Life motto you swear by: “Dhoni is as powerful as your faith in him.”
~ Rajinikanth

The King of Great Times

Anyone can celebrate a victory, but it takes a true Kings XI Punjab fan to celebrate a crushing, embarrassing defeat. Let’s face it: You don’t care about winning or losing. You’re just here to have a good time and you’re always ready to bring your dole-shole to any party, as long as they serve butter chicken. Aided by your happy-go-unlucky attitude, you skate through life powered by random bursts of brilliance. Most people might not understand your laid-back vibe and unearned confidence. But why waste time explaining yourself when you could be doing shots with Ness Wadia?

Life motto you swear by: “Bolo tara rara!”
~ Daler Mehndi

The Indecisive Indian

Your inconsistent, grumpy captain might be a darling among cricketers and fans alike, but you, dear Mumbai Indians fan, are more of an acquired taste. Like Himesh Reshammiya, no one is sure whether they love you or hate you. Are you a diehard fan or a bandwagoner? A Mumbaikar or an Indian? In it to win it, or just missing Sachin? You refuse to be boxed in by such restrictive binaries. For you, life is all about finding yourself through the journey, not the destination, much like your team, which mysteriously meanders its way to the top of the table.

Life motto you swear by: “To Sachin, the man we all want to be.”
~ Andrew Symonds

The Knights in Shiny Armour  

Like most SRK junkies, Kolkata Knight Riders have zero chill. After all, being chill won’t get you any trophies, or a victory against Mumbai Indians. But you know something that others don’t: Success requires a little perseverance and a lot of high-profile endorsements. You believe in the power of building your brand; songs that double up as a war cry are your #bae. You are the Bappi Lahiris of the IPL and when not bedazzling everyone with the gold on your uniform, your hobbies are pushing around people at Eden Gardens and doing cartwheels.

Life motto you swear by: “Destiny plays a part… no one can teach us either how to find it or how to chase it.”
~ Shah Rukh Khan

Anyone can celebrate a victory, but it takes a true Kings XI Punjab fan to celebrate a crushing, embarrassing defeat. Let’s face it: You don’t care about winning or losing.

The Royal Pain

A Rajasthan Royal to the bone, you live and die by Wu-Tang’s Law of the Jungle: Cash Rules Everything Around Me. You got the most expensive player in the auction, but the only time he’s been explosive in the last year is the street fight in Bristol. You have to spend money to make money, and just like your godfather Lalit Modi, you’re all about that #EntrepreneurLyf. This philosophy is the reason you got caught up in a pyramid scheme, trying to sell organic hemp protein powder to all your friends. You’ve invested in a lot of young blood but many have turned out to be Rahul Gandhi. Now you’re stuck with a bunch of overpriced, potty-flavoured snake oil – but you’re not worried. According to your tax forms, that’s just the cost of doing business.

Life motto you swear by: “They kick you when you’re down, but they want to kick it when you’re up.”
~ DJ Khaled

The Chuggin’ Challenger

If the Royal Challengers are your favourite team, you’re either from Bangalore or you have a drinking problem. Probably both. While the breweries in your city may not be very accomodating of your beer choices, the highlight of your day is sitting at home and chugging a Kingfisher or six because you just lost your job at Flipkart. You vehemently believe in the power of Anushka Sharma’s birthday and wonder why it can’t be celebrated more than once every year. Luckily for you, your team will help you achieve your one true goal of fatal liver damage by disappointing you at every turn.

Life motto you swear by: “First you get a swimming pool full of liquor, then you dive in it.”
~ Vijay Mallya

The Despondent Daredevil

You are a Daredevil, because you dare to dream. You dare to believe horoscopes when they tell you – every day – that better times are just around the corner. You’re the kind of person who likes blaming your bad circumstances on everything but yourself, and you are firm in your conviction that you’ve gotten the short end of the wicket. If only yelling “Tu jaanta nahi mera baap kaun hai” would help you in the field as much as it does in life. It’s a good thing, then, that you’ve got your rose-tinted glasses to keep you sane.

Life motto you swear by: “Sabne chitting kiya hai.”
~ Rakhi Sawant

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