Why Do Indian Men Turn Into Gropers on a Plane?

Social Commentary

Why Do Indian Men Turn Into Gropers on a Plane?

Illustration: Sushant Ahire

W

ith fresh news coming in of an Indian man groping and attempting to undress a sleeping woman on a plane (with his wife in the next seat!), five refined gentlemen and one token pretty woman met to discuss the future of international aviation.

The issue facing them was serious. Not too long before this, a teenager had complained about an Indian doctor groping her while she slept on another flight.  The meeting was thus titled “Why are there so many Indian snakes on planes?” News of the meeting was received with great fanfare back home, because the janta was happy to note that India was the subject of an international discussion.

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Unfortunately, the mood at the safehouse was grave and not congratulatory. The board began the meeting by identifying the kind of person who gets aroused while flying 35,000 feet above the ground in an aluminium cylinder.  

Their findings indicated that certain Indian men are not intimidated by the fact that they are air-locked in said aluminium cylinder and hundreds of other people (and possibly a couple of air marshals) might be sitting around watching. It also doesn’t matter to them if the object of their desire is an actress, a minor, or a stewardess. For them, even a mint with a hole is fair game. After all, he is most well known to be sitting with both hands under his blanket.  

These men are not afraid to place a bicep in your lap, or tell you about how much you remind them of their children before they look at you inappropriately.

The board found that this kind of man, with all his lack of self-restraint, is most likely to be distracted by the presence of free snacks. A proposal to make air-stewards hand out free peanuts and walnuts has been mooted. In the likely case the mention of nuts has the opposite effect, stewards have been advised to switch to a less sexual food, such as fried cheese.

Among the guidelines provided by the board were some extreme suggestions to deal with jocks in the sky. These are the actors, models, singers and other miscellaneous rich people, who walk out of their Beamers and into the cramped seats of an airplane expecting everyone in their aisle to take their pants off. These men are not afraid to place a bicep in your lap, or tell you about how much you remind them of their children before they look at you inappropriately. The only way to deal with these people, unfortunately, is to not fall asleep around them. The board has hence suggested that all women be administered large caffeine pills before they are allowed on board.

Other suggestions made by the board included giving women chastity belts so they don’t ask for it, and an emergency ejection seat for women in case they feel too uncomfortable with all the attention.

The meeting concluded successfully with all the suggestions to be formalised in the coming weeks. The only objection at the measures came from the lone woman on the panel, who had suggested straitjackets for the gropers. She was naturally asked to shut it.

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