Hey BHU, Leave Our Porn Alone

Social Commentary

Hey BHU, Leave Our Porn Alone

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

I

magine that every item number in Bollywood were just a GIF of Alok Nath performing aarti. Imagine that the erotic literature shelf at your local bookstore were stocked only with holy texts. It might sound ridonk, but if the mood of the nation is any indication, we might soon be looking at a world where this is possible. For instance, developers at the Banaras Hindu University are working on an anti-porn app that plays out bhajans every time the user tries to access adult content. Because if you’re an adult with sexual needs, that means you didn’t go to the mandir enough as a child.

It’s curious how India, a country that might as well declare fucking as the national sport (considering we don’t have one), still views sex as taboo. On the one hand, individuals of the “send bobs” variety are more than happy to be the flag-bearers of India’s legacy as the land of the Kama Sutra. And then there are the folks who continue to believe babies were actually delivered by the stork.

How else can we explain the recent controversy over the photos of Jawarharlal Nehru? Right after his birth anniversary this year, some photos of Nehru committing criminal acts like kissing, hugging, or being in the vicinity of women were rediscovered, and immediately brandished as evidence of his moral bankruptcy. One of our classiest Prime Ministers was reduced to a tharki, and even compared to Hardik Patel. Not that anything Patel did was wrong, but how does a fully-clothed photograph even begin to compare with a sex tape? The only way that the right-wing seems to find to discredit their political opponents, is to put forth the mature argument of, “Sheee, yeh sex karte hain!”

India is one of the few places on Earth where this happens. Two consenting adults cannot indulge in personal relations without all of society having an opinion. From historical titans like Nehru, to everyday bachelors trying to find a flat in the city, closeness to the opposite sex is definite sign of a debauched character (we’re not even going to begin talking about attitudes to women).

Life goes on, and we get a nationwide porn ban, passed by a Parliament where MPs watch XXX material on their cell phones

We’re witnessing it right now with Hardik Patel, as BJP leaders scared of his clout in Gujarat try to paint him as a Patidar Pepé le Pew. It happened this October in MP on the opposite side of the spectrum, when BJP minister Rajesh Munat had a sex CD of his own surface. Munat had become influential in the state government, over some senior politicians even, and now he had to deal with AAP workers blackening his nameplates at his office.

In both Patel’s and Munat’s cases, the real pervs weren’t the ones in the video. They were the creeps who planted the hidden cameras. This is the real problem about sex in India – not everyone gets it, but the people who get the most thrills, are the ones who are outing the people who do get it. Life goes on, and we get a nationwide porn ban, passed by a Parliament where MPs watch XXX material on their cell phones.

Things would be a lot better if our politicians and moral custodians realised that while sex isn’t a “fundamental right”, it sure is fun. When it comes to fucking, can we please chill the fuck out?

Comments