Two Tinderellas Try a Threesome

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Two Tinderellas Try a Threesome

Illustration: Akshita Monga

I’

d been with my boyfriend for a year when we first spoke about having a threesome with another woman. As a bisexual person, I had been intimate with a few other women before, but I’d never really explored the boundaries of my sexuality. When the discussion first arose, during a drunken evening with my boyfriend, I said yes immediately. In retrospect, I imagine it was because I wanted to make our long-term relationship fun. He said yes because… who are we kidding?

The immediate fear most people associate with indulging in a three-way is that their partner might enjoy it a little more than necessary, and that that might end up driving a wedge in the relationship. The few people I’ve spoken to about my sexual adventures have almost always asked me: “Won’t you be jealous?”

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For us, though, jealousy was never the issue. We were two confident adults who had been with other people before. But in our search for a three-way, the immediate issue was how hard it is to meet an attractive girl in New Delhi who you can convince to come home and try some mildly kinky stuff with you and your boyfriend. Which isn’t to say that we didn’t try our best.

A few failed attempts later, we found ourselves staring straight into the last refuge of the desperate and the black hole of dating: Tinder. The preference was set to “women only”. Our bio was a cute hundred words about how we were an adorable couple looking to have a very normal threesome and nothing else.

Predictably, we met some complete freaks.

The first girl we matched with was an attractive redhead; she was totally my type. She lived in Mumbai so we never ended up meeting… fortunately. One morning, the girl and I were having a casual conversation – I was midway through breakfast – and she told me she wanted to cut my hair off. Assuming she was some sort of hairdresser, I laughed and said sure. But it got worse. She was obsessed with hair, apparently. Her version of “send nudes” was “send me a picture of you holding scissors to your hair”. I’m not sure I want to know what kind of fetish that is.

The concept of a “threesome” for some reason is really hard for Tinder to grasp. I mean it literally has the word “three” in it.

A couple of times, we matched with lesbian women, who told us how much they hated penises. As we swiped through this graveyard of unsavoury broken relationships, we chanced upon a few of the famed MIL… let’s just call them older married women. Then there were the notorious “swappers”. Things were not going as we’d imagined. Some profiles were just stolen photographs of models; others were gross men pretending to be women.

The concept of a “threesome” for some reason is really hard for Tinder to grasp. I mean it literally has the word “three” in it. That didn’t stop one woman from sending us very revealing pictures of her husband and her. The couple was in their mid-30s and quite attractive. It was a generous gesture on her part, I guess, but married couples were definitely not on our radar. Threesomes are intimate – orgies are disgusting.

Actually, quite a bit of the whole experience was disgusting. Some of the pictures made me want to scratch my eyes out, other times I wanted to lead a revolution against phone cameras. I must’ve seen close to 30 unwanted penises, and a few unwanted boobs. A few of the more – should I say prudent? – people, preferred sending pictures on the slightly safer Snapchat. But most saw no danger in sending pictures on Tinder.

We did, of course, meet a few really smart, funny people. Most of the girls we hooked up with were travelling expats, but I have to admit our most fun experience by far was with this girl from Mumbai. She was fun and relatable, making the initial conversation, which is usually a pain in the ass, a breeze. Our conversation was easy and at no point did things get awkward. It was just perfect, and it’s a pity we never met again.

There was another girl we spoke to in Pakistan, who was heavily into S&M. Her geographical location prevented her from being very open about her kink, but she did run a blog where she put up photos of herself without her face. Behind this double life was a sharp, young, intelligent girl. I’m heartbroken that we never got a chance to meet.

Amid all the unwanted takeaways, there is an important one: I’ve learned to look out for women who may say they are ready for threesomes, but aren’t actually sure. You have to handle this with great sensitivity, to make sure you aren’t coercing a person to do something they don’t want to. We once met a girl, who we eventually took to Little Italy for pizza because she clearly didn’t want anymore than that. That was cute.

Another girl, a Russian national who had a husband and an alluring face, got completely naked and tied my boyfriend up before she backed out, because she didn’t want to cheat on her husband. I found that a little weird considering she had definitely already cheated.

Every now and then a hooker or two would creep in on Tinder, and at times a douche-bro would manage to beat the algorithm. But I would simply explain what we were looking for. If I can brag for a bit, my radar is well tuned, so it’s never gotten awkward. Still, I wouldn’t recommend that someone with very little experience, jump into something like this – it will leave you scandalised. Good thing, I have very few morals.

If you do decide to give it a shot, remember that there are some sacred rules that are never meant to be broken. Your partner and you have to be on the same page or things can go wrong very fast. You also have to, I cannot stress this enough, find someone you both are comfortable with. Be careful about what you guys are sharing and what you aren’t. What you’re telling your partner and what you’re holding back. With us, I was the one doing the talking, being the bisexual one. I didn’t exactly want my boyfriend chatting up these women, to be honest.

Anyway, after a few great experiences, we decided to swear off the app for good. My boyfriend and I have since split up. When I look back, I think of it as an amusing experience, but I could definitely have done without the weirdos. Now I get messages and propositions from other couples “looking for bisexual girls”. But I ignore them. I prefer meeting people through the traditional route: common friends and parties. There’re fewer dick pics to deal with that way.

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