Welcome to Mumbai, Where Life’s a Versova Beach

Satire

Welcome to Mumbai, Where Life’s a Versova Beach

Illustration: Sushant Ahire/Arré

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froz Shah shot to fame on the back of the snowflake agenda of trying to pick trash off the beach because of something called global warming. Ignoring the fact that he lives in a city where paan stains stand in for street art, he attempted to change Mumbai into some kind of First-World city like Prague or something. Can you imagine that. As if we needed pretty people and fun activities on our beaches. If this wasn’t enough he tried to displace the drug addicts and the mini gangs that operate out of there with people who jog for fun. The gall of the guy.

The problem with Afroz Shah, who recently gave up his 109-week campaign to clean up Versova beach, is that he forgets he lives in a city where no good things are allowed to happen. Bought a new car? Oops, your neighbour just broke the window in a fit of rage. Bought a new bike? Oops, it’s now monsoon for six months. Borrowed a friend’s cycle? Oops, you just lost both your legs in a horrific pothole-related tragedy. For years, the BMC has ruled over this land with an iron fist… one that fell off a Ganpati procession in the middle of the Eastern Expressway one year. Who the hell does Afroz Shah think he is to just come in and try and change all that?

The first Mumbai local chugged its way across the city in 1853; our grandest building, the Taj Mahal Hotel, was inaugurated in 1903. We don’t really need some Afroz, the environment guy, coming in and cleaning 9 million kilogrammes of trash off our beaches. Trash is literally our most burgeoning ecosystem at this point. People come from all across the world to witness its wonder. Versova beach merely forms a part of the greater Mumbai trash landfill.

Finally freed from the clutches of the environmental degenerate and climate-change acceptor, a paradise of sorts will once again be discovered in an overpopulated suburb of Mumbai city.

The city’s absurd terrain is perfect for the accumulation of gutter water, and unsuspecting older gentlemen. Between the sludge rivers and roach congregations, stand two giant trash mountains, almost like two modern-day pyramids of Giza. It’s clear that the authorities are trying their best to make sure we live in the shithole they promised us. People like Afroz only stand in the way.

Now Afroz has given up his arrogant endeavour to clean up Versova beach, partially due to pressure from the authorities and partially because he was actually drowning in trash. Serves him right. Finally freed from the clutches of the environmental degenerate and climate-change acceptor, a paradise of sorts will once again be discovered in an overpopulated suburb of Mumbai city. Boasting of sand made of plastic, water with the hue of a smoker’s lungs, and the biodiversity of a glass of purified water.

This new and improved Versova beach will be a thrilling place. Test your knowledge of heroin addiction as you navigate a maze of needle aficionados to make your way into the coconut-infested water. Play a game of “Escape the Rabid Dog” while you take in the sights of sari-clad women changing their children’s clothes. This is Versova beach, where dreams are mostly induced by opium addiction.

Enjoy the high, you assholes.

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