Vijay Mallya, Every 15-year-old Boy’s Hero

Satire

Vijay Mallya, Every 15-year-old Boy’s Hero

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

“V

ijay Mallya has the most ideal life,” said every 15-year-old boy ever.

The billionaire has his own calendar, for which he hires the most attractive girls in the country to come and pose for him. That’s his day job. When not out socialising with models and actresses whom he will pay big money to appear on said calendar, he’s spending his time doing things like buying a bunch of airplanes for fun, and giving out free headphones like some kind of business-tard. He’s so awesome he doesn’t even have to bother paying salaries. “And I wasn’t sure I’d be hired after my last exam result,” said every 15-year-old boy ever.

Vijay Mallya is so baller when he wants to drive cars, he buys an F1 team. He’s so cool that when he’s bored of cars, he buys a whole IPL team. When he’s bored of hiring cheerleaders, he buys a couple of football teams. Mallya’s so rich, he doesn’t need Playstations or high-end computer games, he can just pay real people to do things for him. He celebrates this by flaunting a lovely paunch and drinking beer all over the place. “I too play video games and hate exercise,” said every 15-year-old boy ever.

The criminal-tycoon first married air hostess Sameera Tyabjee in 1986, with whom he had a kid (Siddharth Mallya). Later he got divorced and married another woman in 1993, with whom he had two daughters. A few years later, (you guessed it) he decided to get married again, to a Kingfisher airline hostess he once employed, Pinky Lalwani. Although this time around, he had the added cool quotient of being a fugitive in an entire country. “I can’t get this girl I like to even look at me,” said every 15-year-old boy ever.

For Vijay Mallya, things like money laundering, enforcement directorate, and non-bailable warrants, are not worth wasting your time over.

When Vijay Mallya wants to cheat an airport out of a bunch of cash, he goes ahead and does it. When he wants to enter politics, he joins the Rajya Sabha. When Vijay Mallya is arrested by Scotland Yard and is under trial in a foreign country, he makes a salary of 16 lakh rupees a week. He also has no problem walking around supermodels with that haircut and weird face goatee. “I wish I had that kind of confidence,” said every 15-year-old boy ever.

Vijay Mallya doesn’t have time to keep up with his taxes. Vijay Mallya doesn’t believe that he has to pay the people who work for him. He owes the banks somewhere around ₹900 crore. For Vijay Mallya, things like money laundering, enforcement directorate, and non-bailable warrants, are not worth wasting your time over. “I don’t understand or care about any of those things either,” said every 15-year-old boy ever.

“When I grow up, I want to be Vijay Mallya,” said every 15-year-old boy ever.

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