The Real History of Tipu Sultan and Other Medieval “Monsters”

Satire

The Real History of Tipu Sultan and Other Medieval “Monsters”

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

B

elow is an extract from our history textbooks in 2030. This information has been accessed by tampering with the space-time continuum.

Chapter Two: The Dark Ages

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Just as we threw the historical record out of the window to learn about ancient India’s glorious miracles of Hindutva technology in Chapter One, we shall now study the fallout that followed in the medieval period, as Bharat’s glorious conglomerate of Hindu Rashtras was replaced by a collection of thieving, bloodthirsty Muslim kingdoms. Don’t recover your old textbooks from the trash kids. You won’t be needing them yet.

A prime example of these barbaric foreign invaders is Tipu Sultan. Some misinformed sources (like Encyclopaedia Britannica, published since 1768, which was when Tipu was actually alive) have mentioned that Tipu fought a valiant struggle to keep the British imperialists out of his homeland of Mysore, but today we know better than to believe such drivel. As our esteemed Hindutva historians have uncovered, Tipu was no better than a genocidal despot who fought the British for profit, not patriotism. Thankfully, by 2017, the country had begun to shake off the effects of education and academia, and started holding protests against celebrating this madman’s legacy on Tipu Jayanti.

While Tipu is a later example from the 18th Century (which seems to be of utmost relevance to us, three centuries later), the insidious, atrophying influence of Islamic outsiders on our shuddh Bhartiya sanskar dates further back. We need to disregard all advancements in the fields of medicine, literature, art, and architecture from the medieval era as some of the worst offenders come from the brutal, patricidal, fratricidal Mughal dynasty, which wormed its tentacles into Indian history from 1526 to 1857.

It has taken our tireless Hindutva historians decades of work to undo the damage caused by the peer-reviewed, internationally approved version of history that was being taught in our schools

For instance, the evil architect-emperor Shah Jahan, upon discovering a magnificent Shiva temple known as Tejo Mahalya in Agra, committed a great desecration by promptly burying his wife in it, turning it into a mausoleum known as the Taj Mahal. Another historical villain, wrongfully titled Akbar “the Great”, was the first person to introduce fake news to India by claiming to create a new religion, Din-i-Ilahi, when he was always secretly a Muslim tyrant.

It has taken our tireless Hindutva historians decades of work to undo the damage caused by the peer-reviewed, internationally approved version of history that was being taught in our schools. Thankfully, their efforts paid off, and we finally witnessed a Muslim ruler, Alauddin Khilji in this case, get portrayed as the grimy, uncivilised troglodyte we always knew him to be in a mainstream Bollywood film. Padmavati was far more true to life than earlier cinematic portrayals like Mughal-e-Azam and Jodhaa-Akbar, as we all know these ruthless invaders could not possibly be as good-looking as Madhubala or Hrithik Roshan.

It was only in 2017 that the minority appeasement policy was relaxed, and the truth about medieval India’s history could finally come out into the light. Now we know that no matter what the national monuments tell us, no matter what classical works of art and literature survive to this day, and no matter how much we love butter chicken and all its Mughlai cousins, there weren’t, and never will be any Muslim heroes in India’s history.

We think that’s only fair, since they desecrated pulao (which is as Indian as the Shah of Iran) by turning it into biryani.

Possible Test Questions
– How many Hindus does a Muslim have to oppress to become a king?
– Name the Nine Goons of Akbar’s court.
– What was Babur’s real name?
(a) Zahiruddin Muhammad
(b) Sweeney Todd, the Demon Babur of Fleet Street
– What was the position of women under the Mughals?
– What did Muhammad bin Tughlaq get wrong about demonetisation?

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