The Many Sacrifices of Donald J Trump

Satire

The Many Sacrifices of Donald J Trump

Illustration: Namaah/ Arré

I

n the two years leading up to his Republican nomination, Donald J Trump has become the butt of all jokes. Or, more specifically, the arsehole in most jokes. I believe this is grossly unfair to the man. Let’s cut him some slack. After all, we’ve done it for others. If Trump owned the clothing line Being Human like Salman Khan, we’d have said, “Trump bhai may be crass, sexist, misogynistic, and racist, but he is actually misunderstood and has a heart of gold.” #TrumpBhaiRoxx

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Let’s see the world from his point of view for a minute. For most people, becoming the president of the United States is the biggest and most coveted job in the world. But for Trump, it’s actually a step down. Has anyone given a thought to how much he’s sacrificing to “Make America Great Again”?

Trump resides in one of the most expensive penthouses in the world, located in the most posh neighbourhoods in New York. The house has marble walls, floors, and columns, and has 24-carat gold accents like platters, lamps, and vases. Right from the doorknobs to the railings, and everything in between is plated in pure gold. It’s true, Trump resides in Bappi Lahiri’s wet dream.

And this is just one of his many homes.

His Florida estate has 12 fireplaces, 58 bedrooms, and 33 bathrooms. Phew, 33 bathrooms. He can take a dump in a new bathroom every day for a month and still have two unused bathrooms at the end of it. Compare this to the White House. Just 16 rooms, one corridor, and most importantly only six bathrooms. Which means that by Sunday poor President Trump will have to repeat a bathroom. You know how hard it is for a man like Trump to repeat a freaking bathroom before the week ends? Try fooling around with your potty routine and it will immediately dawn on you that Trump’s life will be hell. It would even explain why he would shit on the country’s foreign policy instead.

Trump is actually the modern-day Siddhartha, sacrificing his empire, and materialistic possessions for the greater good.

Trump’s garage currently boasts of a fleet that includes Mercedes, Rolls-Royce, Lamborghini, and almost every other luxury car brand in the world. Heck, he also owns a custom-made gold motorcycle. But President Trump will have to just settle for a boring, black Cadillac. Imagine going from a dozen supercars to being driven around in the same car daily. If that’s not a middle-class nightmare, I don’t know what is.

Now, if his parents were middle class like mine, the car-before-country attitude would drive them mad, but it’s the money conversation that would really make the shit hit the roof. Trump’s current annual income stands at a modest $400 million. However, his salary would be a meager $400,000. Who takes a salary cut of 99.99 per cent? I can almost hear his parents saying, “Look son, leader of the free world and all that is okay, but a 99.9 per cent salary cut? Are you out of your mind?” Trump, I’m convinced, is the Mother Teresa of politics. I can’t think of another human being who is more eager to serve his country.

But truth be told, none of these reasons are actually the worst part about becoming President Trump. If he gets to the Oval Office, he will probably go from being an iPhone user to a BlackBerry one. Not Samsung. Not Micromax. Not even a freaking Intex. But a BlackBerry. Imagine going back to a qwerty keyboard and pissing off your white supremacist fan base because you accidentally missed an alphabet while tweeting out, “Mexicans come into our country illegally and rap.” Phew, that’s a storm brewing right there.

Why would a man risk so much and lose out on almost every privilege that he has earned in his entire lifetime? Trump is actually the modern-day Siddhartha, sacrificing his empire, and materialistic possessions for the greater good. In Trump, I trust. So next time you crack a Trump joke, ask yourself one question: Would you change your bowel movements for the sake of your nation?

The answer, my friend, is blowin’ in the wind.

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