A Kit to Prevent Sexual Harassment

Satire

A Kit to Prevent Sexual Harassment

Illustration: Akshita Monga

M

arch is a lovely month. In the days preceding and succeeding Women’s Day there is a certain graciousness in the air. For these few days a year, men are forced to extend women some basic courtesies such as not flashing them their penis in a public place or groping them while they go about their work in offices. As we already know, the mere existence of a vagina is an invitation to sexual harassment and abuse. I often find myself wishing I had a vanity kit of accessories that could somehow contain my womanliness and sidestep any form of abuse and harassment from happening to me. Because clearly, it isn’t as if we are doing this consciously and unconsciously all the time.

As always, the answer to my prayers came from a man. Daniel Dopps, the creator of Mensez, has shown us the light. He has invented a glue stick for the vagina that can be used to contain period flow.

Advertisement

Dopps is a chiropractor, not like a gynaecologist or an expert on hysteria or something. But like scores of men before him, that hasn’t stopped him from inventing stuff that aids women – like, you know, lobotomy. The product Mensez (which correctly sounds like Men Says) comes helpfully shaped like a lipstick, so that women can easily understand how it works. This gives “my lips are sealed” a whole new meaning. I bet it was launched at a manel where men likely got together to discuss loss in productivity during that time of the month through projection graphs and, ahem, flowcharts.

An unnecessary and unhelpful consequence of reading about Mensez is that it got me thinking. There are so many products that women could do with to serve men and themselves better – and of course, prevent abuse and harassment. Why in India itself we have the bringer of whitening creams and the harbinger of modernity, Baba Ramdev, who is launching new products faster than you can say “Padmasan”. I am certain Patanjali can play a big role here. I have a few product suggestions for him, stuff that I have furiously Googled many times (which has prompted Google to ask me if I am fine and also recommend porn) but here goes:

No one really needs breast milk and maybe if there was product to sew the nipple shut there would be less talk about breastfeeding being essential and all that.

The first thing Indian women need is a Boob Inhibitor. Boobs are pesky and can be quite inconvenient to lug around. And if chow mein and short dresses can incite men to rape and harass us, imagine the role boobs play! Personally speaking, this would be a huge weight off my chest. Boob Inhibitors – let’s call them Breast in Peace – would squeeze the female torso, making inhalation difficult, possibly causing fatal injuries, but would not allow breasts to grow.

By completely interfering with nature and biological growth, this product is guaranteed to help men avoid rape and other sexual assault crimes. It’ll make sound financial sense for women too (which they obviously lack) – they are broke from spending thousands of rupees on different styles of bras to entice men. This simple contraption will make lives easier for them. I strongly suggest keeping this uncomplicated like a belt or something so that they can easily follow the instructions on the box. For fun, let’s have them in whalebone. To paraphrase Sheryl Sandberg, let’s push in.

Now while we are abreast of things, I want to address this need to lactate and produce milk. Why? While you may want to butt in and talk about it being natural, I just want to say, well, whatever. No one really needs breast milk and maybe if there was product to sew the nipple shut there would be less talk about breastfeeding being essential and all that. Babies can survive just fine. Breasts need to be contained (see explanation above) and this is the next logical step. Being extremely inspired, I think this product should be called “Tit Stitch”. I even have a recommended tagline: “No more looking for a nipple in the haystack.”

Anyhoo. The truth is that no matter what you do at the workplace – you could be kicking arse as a corporate boss, bringing in millions of rupees of business – but you will still be considered fair game and a sex object at some point. You will be stripped down to the basics and be seen only as a vagina. It’s inevitable; and let’s be honest. You’ve been told by generations of men that this is your role in this world – they must be correct.

So you might as well keep your vagina in amazing shape… with a product tentatively named White and Tight. We already have vagina-whitening and tightening products and thank god for that because who wants to marry a woman with a loose, dark vajayjay? White and Tight is a two-in-one product that women can use to provide not just a visually satisfactory experience but also a physically pleasing one. If you are a little alarmed that so many things about your vajayjay worry people, don’t worry. This is just a charming little quirk in a country that loves its women, sometimes rather violently and without their consent.

I wish someone would put it all together in a nice little glittery pink goodie bag. I can think of nothing better than to present Indian women with this gift. The only issue remains what would we call such a kit? Mensez would be ideal but Mr Dopp already has the copyright on that.

Comments