Person of the Year: The Sexual Harasser

Satire

Person of the Year: The Sexual Harasser

Illustration: Akshita Monga/Arré

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his year, the Silence Breakers, the women who brought down the several sexual predators governing Hollywood, fended off competition from contenders like Beyoncé and the guy with orange hair, to be declared the Time Person of the Year.  Now let’s get real — an achievement of this stature cannot be credited to mere womenfolk , whose place, it has been established, is in the kitchen making a sandwich. So we’re going to go ahead and give credit where it’s actually due, and acknowledge the real kickstarters of the #MeToo movement: The men who made sexual harassment possible in the first place, and the men who covered it up.  Suit up and brush up on your latent misogyny, because this party is about to get mansplained.

Through the year, for every woman who has had the courage to come forward, there have been about 10 men who have come forth to protect the hoary tradition that is chauvinism. But do you see the mainstream media talking about that? Of course not. No one cares for good ol’ Men ki Baat these days. It may seem unbelievable, or ridiculous even, but herein lies an important lesson that only the harasser and his friends cared to teach us this year: “The mainstream media is out to get the men”.

The biggest travesty is that men don’t get enough credit in preventing sexual harassment. It can’t be easy going through the day wanting to grab the ass of every woman you see around you, and not be able to do so without permission. I mean, it’s almost like telling someone they have to walk into a mall and not steal everything in sight. Can you believe that shit? Without meninists and Twitter eggs and #NotAllMen guiding us through this new-age liberal propaganda, we might have actually thought there was a limit to our privilege, like some kind of woman or minority community.

A special thanks goes out to meninists everywhere for statistically convincing us that false rape cases outnumber real, horrific cases to the extent where we should just turn a blind eye to all of it. Just like 498A. Also, thank you for reminding the womenfolk that patriarchy affects men too in this time of reckoning. Us men are under so much pressure to buy cool cars and drink alcohol in bars, and all the women can do is yak about insignificant troubles like gender equality and safety. For a gender that regards itself as the “fairer sex”, this does seem a little out of character.

The biggest travesty is that men don’t get enough credit in preventing sexual harassment.

However, it is important to laud our achievements this year. What’s truly amazing, men, is that we have managed to make our point with such sophistication in this difficult hour. I would have gone my entire life calling women, “women”, if I hadn’t been provided with such a snazzy, nostalgic (only ’40s kids will remember!!) title — the feminazi. Now that you mention it, women are exactly like Hitler; one spilled the blood of Jews, the other wakes up in the morning and drinks juice. Well… almost like Hitler in any case!

The fact that so many men have come out in droves on the internet to fight for their rights in the face of this “rampant feminism” is heartwarming. It’s like watching a real-life David Attenborough documentary on the lives of Neanderthals. This needs immediate recognition in the form of several Daahli boyz holding a bachelor party on a beach in Goa. Plus points if you take a dangerous selfie on the rocks with an unsuspecting woman swimming in the background. Don’t worry about being embarrassed, this is your birthright as a person with a penis.

Men could learn a thing or two from the 1950s about keeping women in check these days. Too many people have had the courage to stand up and fight our dominance. But the meninists will continue to resist. For their resilience to the outdated ideas of gender bias in the face of all the outrage, we are almost compelled to confer the title of Person of the Year to the harasser and all his friends. Send an unsolicited dick pic and invade some personal space, because at this party, there’s no saying no.

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