Inside the Mind of Rahul Gandhi

Satire

Inside the Mind of Rahul Gandhi

Illustration: Sushant Ahire

I

t’s been a tough couple of months.

As the election campaigning finally comes to an end in Gujarat, I am in a state best described as nervous confidence. I don’t want to brag, but I was really impressed by the speeches I gave across the state. Some of them were so moving that many in the audience were moved into disappearing. These last few months, I’ve also been keeping track of Modi ji’s and Amit bhai’s speeches to see what they were up to. But with Amit bhai, you never know whether you’re tracking him or he’s keeping track of you.

People accused me of making the election communal by visiting 25 temples, but the truth is I had gone to genuinely pray because only God could have helped me. I was shocked that some in the opposition would accuse me of being Parsi, when clearly, I could only be Santa for the way I’ve gifted them one election after another. I’m only kidding. In my family, everyone is a Shiv Bhakt and you would have seen the tandav if I hadn’t been made Congress President.

Shehzad Poonawalla’s comments didn’t help our campaign, he turned out to be that uncle at the wedding who creates a scene and ruins everything. Sure, I was the only one in the race to be Congress President but that was the only way I was going to win at something. But he just had to be bitter and ruin it. He said it was a black day for the party, but I think that was a premature reaction. I have only just become party head and my full potential is yet to be unlocked.

The other day, both of us were denied permission for a roadshow, but he showed up in a seaplane. Modi ji should star in the next Krrish movie.

If that wasn’t enough, Mani Shankar Aiyar also made a stupid comment at a very key moment in the election. Alternatively, he could just have stabbed me in the back. When I went to meet him, he was like, “Rahul ji, you also say so many stupid things but I get a suspension and you get promoted?” We had to strategise well, so we unleashed one of our best orators to take on Modi ji, Manmohan Singh.

Modi ji features frequently in my nightmares. I get up in the morning, I have to talk about him. At speeches, I have to talk about him. On Twitter, I have to tweet about him. The nightmares are vivid. I dreamt that I Modi ji and I had the best bromance in town. My therapist tells me not to read too much into it. She tells me it’s only because I envy him. She’s right too. The other day, both of us were denied permission for a roadshow, but he showed up in a seaplane. Modi ji should star in the next Krrish movie.

The exit polls coverage has also not been easy. It reminds me of my childhood and the time I got out of Geography exam in the fifth grade. I was very confident that I had done well in the exam. But as we gathered outside the exam hall, the bright kids started discussing the paper and I realised I was in deep shit.

But as with exams, you never lose hope, do you? Even if you didn’t study and your papers were awful, on the day of the result, there is still a tiny part of you that believes you have done the impossible. Gujarat election is my impossible and I believe in me.

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