News Weed: Ram Sena Plans Protest Against Priya Varrier; Cancels After Leader Develops Crush

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News Weed: Ram Sena Plans Protest Against Priya Varrier; Cancels After Leader Develops Crush

Illustration: Juergen D

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ebruary 13, Mumbai: It’s a terrible time to be a protester in India. After the Padmaavat faux pas by the Shri Rajput Karni Sena, yet another protest, this one by the Shri Ram Sena, has reached an anti-climax. The anti Valentine’s Day group called off a protest against Winking Sensation Priya Prakash Varrier, who has recently broken the internet. The gathering was called off at the last minute on Tuesday despite the fact that thousands had already gathered at Azad Maidan, due to an incident that is being termed “highly embarrassing” by political trendwatchers.

The protest had been called because all the lascivious winking seen in the latest viral video featuring the young actress, is against Indian culture. It is alleged that Priya Varrier is responsible for single-handedly destroying it by becoming a meme and trending everywhere. This is completely antithetical to the Sena’s objectives of preserving our great country’s great traditions.

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However, to everyone’s horror, as the press conference prior to the protest commenced, Shri Ram Sena leader Pyare Mohan began to sing praises of Priya Varrier and how love was the answer to all the problems in the world. At one point, Pyare was quoted saying, “India ko Pakistan ke taraf pyaar ka haath badhana chahiye.” One of the sevaks fainted on hearing this and was reportedly taken to a hospital nearby, where his condition appeared to be unstable. (Our Canadian sources have also informed us that Bhuki Kaur, when shown a byte of his speech, threw up in her house.)

News Weed has learnt through some anonymous sources that Pyare Mohan had a change of heart right before the press conference, because he made the mistake of watching the video that he was supposed to be protesting against. “Video dekhne ki kya zarurat thi? Padmaavat dekhi thi kya kisi ne (Why did he have to watch the video? Did anyone watch Padmaavat),” fumed Ramesh (name changed to protect privacy), one of the sevaks present.

Onlookers say that the Ram Sena leader developed an instant crush on the actress and decided that the protest had to be called off. He reportedly asked his entire team to address her as “bhabhi” from now on and also asked them to change their phone ringtones to “Pehla Nasha”. “When I saw that video, I could hear people playing violins, it was magical,” Mr Mohan told News Weed.

Meanwhile, Doom TV reported that Taimur Ali Khan was massively upset that all the attention had been diverted away from him.

The situation is hardly magical for the rest of the members of the sena. In fact, it has left several of them red-faced and without a cause. “Yesterday, we were told some woman was winking in a video, and I was furious. There are so many Hindu goddesses, have you seen anyone ever wink in a photo? It is just not our culture, and it provokes men just the way chowmein and mobile phones do. Are people so foolish as to miss out on how it has been released just before Valentine’s Day? It’s a big Western conspiracy to hijack Matru Pitru Pujan Diwas,” he said.

News Weed also spoke to a senior organiser, Mr Naik. “We spread the message like fire on WhatsApp and hired men for these protests. It’s a logistical nightmare. What about all the people I had to pay to be here? Woh picture waale to aankh maar ke paise bana lenge, but what about us?”

“Slogans were ready (Abki baar, ban Priya Varrier), flyers had been distributed, we’d invited the patriotic media, bought hockey sticks, bricks and petrol to vandalise public property, but ab iska koi refund bhi nahi milega. I have it stored at home for now and wife is asking me hockey to koi khelta bhi nahi hai, itni lakdiyoon ka kya karoge? It has been a financial disaster and I don’t know how we will recover from this,” he concluded.

Meanwhile, Doom TV reported that Taimur Ali Khan was massively upset that all the attention had been diverted away from him. At the time of going to publishing, he had posted a puppy-face picture on his Instagram profile, with the caption: “Kya itna bura hoon main maa?”

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