Inside the Mind of Pramod Muthalik

Satire

Inside the Mind of Pramod Muthalik

Illustration: Sushant Ahire

T

ruth has triumphed, and I, for one, am relieved.

I still remember that day from 2009 like it was yesterday. The name of that dreaded lounge might be Amnesia, but I’ll never forget how the events unfolded.

I had personally sent 25 of my finest men on this most important mission, to remedy the biggest problem plaguing our country. No no, not at the border to fight armed infiltrators or on a rescue mission at a disaster site: We have the army to look into these minor skirmishes. I wanted to focus my energy on bigger problems like the menace of western culture influencing our society.

WTF is a Santa Claus? He’s just a white Sardar. What are French fries? Just finely cut bhuna aloo that received an MBA from abroad. These firangs have been stealing our great ideas and making them their own, I tell you. And peddling us some rubbish about love, Cupid, and some St Valentine. Men and women hanging out together in pubs… is that part of our sanskar? Of course not. I’m sure Alok Babuji and Pahlaj sir would agree.

Indian culture is a woman sitting at home, knitting or cooking, a man in office, and the two meeting for the first time on their wedding day to make us the second-largest population in the world. Back in 2009, all we were doing was trying to enforce that. I still remember when we first entered the lounge Amnesia. It was dull and dark, just like my political career. It brought back horrid memories and we drove people out. It was only the right thing to do in that situation.

For all my pains to preserve Indian culture, all I got in return were jootas and chaddis. Accusations were levelled at me that I’m anti-woman! What a baseless and untrue allegation! Tumne mujhe kitna hurt kiya hai Geet!

I’m, in fact, a feminist who believes men and women should have equal rights. That is the reason we beat up not only men but even the women outside the club in Mangalore.

There was a lot of hullabaloo over the fact they we used violence, but what really pisses me off is that some asshole had the audacity to record the whole thing and put it up on YouTube. What about my right to privacy?

I only say hateful things on microphones and get people beaten up occasionally. Is that such a big crime? People are calling me a goon. I haven’t even thrashed a toll collector yet!

The last few years haven’t been easy. Everyone has misunderstood us, even God. Bhagwan Ram wanted to dissociate himself from my Ram Sena and it was heartbreaking. Only we and the VHP have been keeping his good name alive. Mandir wahin banayenge, betiyon ko ghar pe bithayenge!

I only say hateful things on microphones and get people beaten up occasionally. Is that such a big crime?

It has really been difficult to make any career movies since that video. The BJP accepted me into their party and then revoked their decision within five hours. They are more indecisive than women! My tenure as a legit politician lasted shorter than a fucking Ashutosh Gowariker movie.

Anyway, now all I have left is my pride and the thousands of pink chaddis I received.  Years later, I still try to pass them off as gifts on Diwali but get awkward stares from my relatives. I could’ve set up a lingerie business, but then my entire sanskar act would be exposed.

But now I have a second chance. If murderers can make it in politics, I’m just an assaulter. I am so glad about the court verdict, I can now tell the world that I’m innocent. I mean, yeah I know some liberals will say we have it on camera and you did it. But if I’m not being punished, did I really do it?

I need to head off now. My favourite movie Andha Kanoon is on TV.

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