The National Threat that is Fawad Khan

Satire

The National Threat that is Fawad Khan

Illustration: Mudit Ganguly

I

t’s that time of the year again, when we hear siren calls for a ban on Fawad Khan and other Pakistani actors, singers, and entertainers – basically everyone who has nothing to do with the ongoing India-Pakistan tension in the aftermath of the Uri attack. In an ageless dance of absolute inconsequence, the Raj Thackeray-led Maharashtra Navnirman Sena has yet again issued a threat of “pack up or get beaten up” that is not at all outrageous and can be considered a major step toward toughening our foreign policy.  

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While the statement was met with a strong sense of déjà vu by Fawad and friends, who keep a packed suitcase handy for these very occasions, it comes as a relief for all the Pakistani infiltrators and terrorists who are currently holed up in India. Thankfully, nobody has asked for their evacuation.

Now, Fawad Khan may look like a harmless actor to you and me, but only the MNS understands that he is a threat to our country. He has singlehandedly managed to explode the ovaries of millions of girls in India when he played a gay man in that Kapoor & Sons movie. Notwithstanding the damage caused to women, he has trampled all over Indian values knowing full well that being gay is a terminal disease and that the MNS has been fighting for its eradication for decades. In spite of all this, this Pakistani agent went ahead and made crores out of hurting the religious and reproductive sentiments of our country.

The case against Fawad Khan is a special one. He and his ridiculously full head of hair were not only a threat to young Indian girls and Indian values, but they were also the reason behind the unemployment of sterling, if slightly balding, Bollywood talent. I mean, let’s just face it – Tusshar Kapoor is a fucking hot dude and he has the swag to play a gay character too, if only given a chance.

After sleeping together for years, it’s now time for Bollywood and cricket to stand together. Together they can stamp out these infiltrators and herald the dawn of a terror-free India.

Now Rahat Fateh Ali Khan may have a receding hairline, but that guy can explode the whole studio with his voice. His voice has terror written all over it. If you play the “Afreen Afreen” Coke Studio version at the border, all the Indians soldiers will forget shooting and start humming that shit. As a result, Pakistan will take over Kashmir. It’s like Akshay Kumar once famously said in an epic movie featuring DJ wale Bobby, “Everything is planned.”  

If you look closely, Bollywood has in fact been trying to tip us off about covert Pakistani operatives in India. I mean, haven’t you seen Sarfarosh? It showed us how a Ghazal singer can fuck us over. Rumour on the ground now is that the film that was based on Pakistani ghazal maestro Ghulam Ali.

The MNS is taking efficient action on that rumour by throwing out not only Ghulam Ali but also anyone who has ever sung a ghazal or any melody that can be vaguely described as Pakistani. There goes Adnan Sami, and the girl who sang Pink’s title track, and that Sufi singer and that other Sufi singer. It’s time to bid farewell to all these heathens, who have been coming here and exploding their vocal chords and giving us heart attacks by singing so damn melodiously.  

And what is this thing about Pakistani actors or singers coming to India anyway? Why are people from different countries allowed to showcase their talent in our country? I mean have you seen Irrfan Khan or Priyanka Chopra going to Hollywood to display their talent? What’s the need to go and flaunt your skills on foreign shores? Who the fuck does that? It’s utter nonsense to share artistic values across borders. I don’t even think Coldplay should be allowed to play in Mumbai unless Chris Martin can sing “Yellow” in Marathi. “Pewla” has a nice ring to it. 

It’s time for culture to take a page out of cricket’s book. After Pakistani players were banned from playing in India and missing eight Indian Premier League seasons, the practice of using cricket games as a cover for terror plots has come to a screeching halt. The same needs to happen when in comes to entertainment. Pakistani cricketers, who have been unable to whisper secret codes in men’s locker rooms which are a known cause of direct infiltration at the LoC, have expressed solidarity with Fawad Khan and Ali Zafar and even hosted a small celebration after the MNS threat – if they can’t make money, nobody else should. However, their celebration came to an end when Shahid Afridi announced his comeback.

After sleeping together for years, it’s now time for Bollywood and cricket to stand together. Together they can stamp out these infiltrators and herald the dawn of a terror-free India.  

In MNS and its infallible logic, we trust.

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