No Bras Please! We’re Indian

Satire

No Bras Please! We’re Indian

Illustration: Akshita Monga

D

ear filmmakers,

The Censor Board has once again been forced to call one of you out for deciding to tastelessly display a woman’s brassiere in a movie about Katrina Kaif’s time-travelling husband. It was a silly decision, if you ask us. Have you learned nothing from the Udta Punjab fiasco? It pains us to have to keep reminding you that we are against such displays of titillating attire, as it awakens a fire within our loins that cannot be controlled in a darkened movie hall with all its whistling men and canoodling couples.

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If you’re still having trouble understanding where to draw the line, we advise you to watch television for a few days. Because, unlike you, television doesn’t need a censor, since it strictly follows a set of self-regulatory guidelines – and we must say that they are doing a swell job. While there is scope to make programming a more wholesome family-friendly experience, there are no foreign TV shows that allow showing a bra on screen, unless it is pixelated to appear like it has been submerged under water.

In case you do not own a TV, or have the time to look for your remote, we will list out a few ways the TV has prevented our children, and us, from being extremely embarrassed. Let’s start with this show America’s Funniest Home Videos on Zee Café. Very respectfully and rightly the channel has censored the word “groin” from the famous “Head, Gut, or Groin” segment, which has made my mother and father very happy. There is the minor matter of the host smiling when he points to his private areas thus enlightening my sister to the fact that men have private parts, but we have been assured that this issue is being discussed at the highest levels. It would do you good to remove all such references to the nether region from all movies, especially those starring Tusshar Kapoor, to make the world a better place.

To all these people on these shows and in these movies who say such bad words and display their innerwear, we say God will judge you and send you to “inferno” (the good people on TV never say “hell”.)

Further, after weeks of research on social media and that VH1 channel, we have realised that the word “head” has more meanings than one: It is what young people call a double entendre. We are confident that the TV censors will no doubt cut out all such references and rename the “Head, Gut, or Groin” segment to just “gut”. Unless they think that is too racy as well, in which case they may just go with “stomach”.

Moving on, there is another show on the same Zee channel: The Big Bang Theory. We notice that the TV has very satisfactorily bleeped out the word “intimate” (too many millennials are doing this, and removing the word from the Indian-English dictionary should definitely put a curb to the menace). We initially feared that the show name would make people think about the three letter “S” word (which TV people have rightly subbed as “gender”) but that is not so. We have been assured that there is no “gender” on the show and that one of the characters, a Leonard, who keeps making rap references is not in fact trying to make our children die of cocaine overdose.

On Masterchef Australia, the TV censors have again shown the way by bleeping out the “B” meat that these faithless white people like to eat. The only problem is that a lot of young people are mistaking the “b***” for bear which, it has come to our knowledge, certain larger homosexuals have been using as identification mark and therefore we are moving to ban bears too. We cannot let our young people turn gay. What will Bangladesh say?

Sometimes people on TV say words like “bitch”, and this really hurts our hearts. We care for women deeply. So we’re proud to say that the television censor has replaced it with the word “harlot”. We’re now so happy that we don’t even need to Google the meaning of the word.

To all these people on these shows and in these movies who say such bad words and display their innerwear, we say God will judge you and send you to “inferno” (the good people on TV never say “hell”.) There you will have to rot along with all the other people who indulge in that three-letter word, “gender”. We apologise for getting riled up and using abusive language ourselves, but we don’t give a “jerk” (we will never say the f-word, we will not even think it) how liberal these Westerners think they are, we must nip (sorry, that could not be avoided) such ideas in the bud.

To all the filmmakers reading this message, please show your support and protect our children from becoming degenerates. Both you and TV have a long way to go, but at least it is trying its best. For your convenience, we have created a petition for you to sign on the issue: It’s called “Don’t be an idiot”, and there is no hyperlink to it.

(PS: There is talk of some new disease that only people on TV are talking about. It’s called “Chest Cancer”, and someone should really look into it.)

Cheers,

A concerned Indian

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