News Weed: Priyanka Chopra Reveals Quantico Season 3 Villain Inspired By Nirav Modi

Satire

News Weed: Priyanka Chopra Reveals Quantico Season 3 Villain Inspired By Nirav Modi

Illustration: Juergen Dsouza

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ebruary 16, Hollywood, CA: The Indian film industry let out a sigh of relief even as the American TV industry let out a cry of dismay, as crossover actress Priyanka Chopra announced her decision to remain in Hollywood for the next season of Quantico. Chopra held a press conference to announce what viewers can expect to see apart from her dreaded accent. “Nirav Modi’s fraud case provides the perfect backdrop for the return of Alex Parrish,” she announced.

A senior journalist at the presser then raised a pertinent question, “Please, God, why?”

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Chopra answered, “Nirav Modi has scammed the government of billions of rupees. Not only that, he’s dragged my good name through the muck by putting my face on his hoardings in every city in India!” Chopra was so visibly incensed at this point, her accent started to sound a little less Baywatch and a little more “Desi Girl”.

After sipping some kale juice she composed herself and continued. “Finally, the lucrative endorsement deal was what I was funding my Hollywood career with, and now he’s run away with my money. Mr Modi, I want my fees. Pay na, pay na, you never paid it to me!”

Seconds later, everyone was handed publicity material for Quantico that nobody asked for; it outlined the show’s plot, which nobody wanted to know. However, PC insisted on reading it out loud. Apparently Alex Parrish tracks down an evil diamond merchant who trots the globe, conning starlets into appearing in ads for his brand.

“My heart wishes to see Nirav Modi brought to justice, and my art is the only way of realising that dream.”

Speculation immediately began over whether Chopra’s fellow brand ambassadors for Nirav Modi, Lisa Haydon and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley, would also make an appearance on the new season. The senior journalist repeated his original question in a feeble whimper. “Please, God, why?”

Chopra was quick to respond. “As my mentor Meryl Streep said, ‘Sometimes you have to take your broken heart, and turn it into art.’ My heart wishes to see Nirav Modi brought to justice, and my art is the only way of realising that dream. I’d wait for the government to do so in reality, but that may happen only after Quantico Season 4 and 5.”

With this confirmation of not one, not two, but three new seasons of Quantico, the stricken journalist let out a heart-rending sob and fled the press conference. Nobody heard from him for the rest of the day. At the time of going to press, the journalist had started a Change.org campaign online to gather support for the “Quantico hatao, America bachao” campaign.

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