News Weed: Trump’s H-1B Policy Aimed at Boosting India’s Beti Bachao Initiative

Satire

News Weed: Trump’s H-1B Policy Aimed at Boosting India’s Beti Bachao Initiative

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

M

umbai, April 25. Over the last few years, India has lost hundreds and thousands of promising young women to the siren song of the H-4, issued to spouses of H-1B visa holders in the USA. But today, the Trump administration might be changing that.

In a stunning show of solidarity with Prime Minister Narendra Modi, President Donald Trump plans to discontinue the work authorisation for H-4, meaning India’s daughters will be back to twiddling their thumbs as their eligible H-1B husbands bring home the paneer. Or better yet, they’ll just return to where they belong, in humara Bharat mahan.

Highly placed White House sources have suggested that PM Modi himself made suggestions to Trump to crack down on H-4 workers, in an attempt to bolster India’s “Beti Bachao, Beti Padhao” initiative. With elections fast approaching, Mr Modi has chosen to focus on the first and more pressing part of this slogan. According to an anonymous Trump staffer, the BJP hopes that by retaining thousands of educated women in the country, they will show the public that they really care about women’s rights.

The move is engineered by an all-white American-born team to appeal to The Donald’s anti-immigrant plan as well. By rendering more than 70,000 spouses jobless, the Trump Administration plans to realise the President’s dream to Make America Great Again. By creating a hostile environment for NRIs, chances are they will head back home. This is likely to complement Mr Modi’s Make In India campaign. “Manmohan Singh and Obama spoke about their great friendships, but we have set #BFFgoals. We’re the good guys, they’re the bad guys. Believe me,” Trump tweeted.

Indians across America have been distraught. Vinesh Gosalia, 34, of Minneapolis, just had an arranged marriage fall through. “It’s like H-1B means nothing to these girls anymore. Who will marry me now,” he wondered.

According to an anonymous Trump staffer, the BJP hopes that by retaining thousands of educated women in the country, they will show the public that they really care about women’s rights.

Trump supporters are taking the H-4 withdrawals particularly hard. “Just last week, some guy threw a beer bottle at me and called me an outsider. Me, a card-carrying member of Hindus 4 Trump,” cried 29-year-old Surendra Bhatia, a financial analyst from Chicago. “If my mother knew, she could never bear the shame.” At the time of going to press, Bhatia’s mother had found out about the unfortunate incident through her global network of aunty spies, Log Kya Kahenge. When we left him, he was already booking his plane ticket back to Delhi.

As President Trump’s “thoughts” are transformed into tangible policy, we’re already seeing waves of our nerdiest exports returning to the motherland, and more women than ever are deciding to lock themselves in their homes and stay there. While the correlation between these trends is unclear, we look forward to welcoming back our best and brightest – all the bachaoed, padhaoed betis who can finally help make India Shine.

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