News Weed: Revealed! Why Mumbai’s Roads Are Constantly Dug Up

Satire

News Weed: Revealed! Why Mumbai’s Roads Are Constantly Dug Up

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

M

umbai, March 12: In breaking news from the country’s favourite city, the Maharashtra government and the BMC have finally revealed the reason why Mumbai’s roads are perpetually dug up. For generations, Mumbaikars have wondered why their already poor infrastructure needs to be flung into the air on a weekly basis, only to revert to the exact same shoddy state as before. As has been exposed in the past, the constant road work artificially inflates labour and GDP statistics, with roughly 15 per cent of the city’s population being employed solely to carry a wheelbarrow of dirt a little further down the road, before returning it to the same spot three hours later.

Others have speculated that Mumbai’s historic rivalry with Delhi is to blame, with each metropolis bent on being the first to develop a mass asthma attack. In the same competitive spirit, both cities have been vying for the title of “Most Annoying Place to Drive” – Mumbai answering Delhi’s odd-even laws with a two-pronged strategy of digging more potholes and reducing all roads to a single lane blocked by a broken-down rickshaw.

The official explanation for the constant digging has usually involved vague platitudes about fixing water pipes or sewage beautification. Some of the more far-fetched responses heard over the years include trying to surreptitiously bury the bodies of pavement dwellers slain by Bollywood stars and a metro to Seepz.

But today, we finally learned the truth. In a joint statement released by the Maharashtra state government and the BMC, it has come to light that since 2013, they have been searching  for an alleged reserve of #AchheDin under the streets of Mumbai. While most citizens believed that this was merely a slogan, a crack team of all-Maharashtrian urban geologists worked with the civic body to find this lifetime supply of prosperity, progress, and nationalism. According to the team lead, Dr Swati Shinde, the project was supposed to take only six months but thanks to the extraordinary skills of the BMC, was completed in under 50.

“It’s very exciting and a watershed moment for the global community of urban geologists,” said Dr Shinde. “People don’t really know what we do or take us seriously. We’re hopeful that this will break the stigma.”

In a joint statement released by the Maharashtra state government and the BMC, it has come to light that since 2013, they have been searching for an alleged reserve of #AchheDin under the streets of Mumbai.

While the official statement specified that #AchheDin would be good for everyone, caste no bar, religion no bar, a junior legislator spoke with News Weed on the condition of anonymity. “Actually, the time and resources spent on this project far outweigh any potential benefits of #AchheDin. We’re already operating at a loss, and that’s before bribes.”

Meanwhile, state government officials were on the ground, raucously celebrating the discovery. When asked if they were concerned that the news of underground #AchheDin would be seen as a distraction from the ongoing Kisan Morcha, they simply looked bemused. “What farmers,” one was overheard asking, causing another to shrug in response. Upon being informed that the farmers were demanding that the BJP fulfil its promises, one leader added, “#AchheDin means achhe for everyone! Farmers also. What they are marching for now?” He paused to spit on the conveniently dug-up street.

Behind him, a Shiv Sena counter-protest to change #AchheDin to #ChanglaDivas was rapidly mobilising. Violent clashes between the groups of protesters are expected. News Weed will continue to provide updates as the situation unfolds.

*Apart from shouting at the News Weed team to “chala chala, pudhe chala”, the BMC was unavailable for comment.

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