News Weed: Man Forgets to Make V-Day Plans, Saved By the Dal

Satire

News Weed: Man Forgets to Make V-Day Plans, Saved By the Dal

Illustration: Sushant Ahire

F

ebruary 14, Hyderabad: Civil engineer and semi-amateur badminton player, Chandrakanth*, had a narrow escape this morning. The 43-year-old man woke up drenched in sweat with a feeling of dread enveloping his entire body, and was unable to move.

At first he believed that it was Shani Dev extracting his due because Chandrakanth had missed one installment of his 16-week vow to feed a black dog every Monday. But then he realised it was only a minor panic attack brought on by a complication: He’d forgotten to make any reservations or plans for Valentine’s Day, with his wife Chandramukhi*, 45.

Advertisement

Before Chandrakanth’s condition could worsen, however, there was some relief. He found out that the Bajrang Dal had threatened to riot against any establishment celebrating our angrezi invaders’ Day of Public Sin.

“I was made team lead on a big project last month,” explained Chandrakanth. “And then we had to send the kids to boarding school in Ooty just so we could get some free time to figure out our taxes post-GST. Where is the question of coming up with plans for Valentine’s Day? Who has the time?”

When asked if his wife had acknowledged the romantic holiday, he was forced to admit that she had prepared his favourite upma for breakfast and moulded it into a heart shape. Meanwhile, Chandrakanth was unable to find a table for two anywhere, despite spending his morning frantically calling every restaurant with a three-or-higher Zomato rating in Hyderabad.

“It was horrible, knowing that she had taken so much trouble and I dropped the ball completely,” Chandrakanth said. “But thankfully, because of the Bajrang Dal’s obsessive cultural insecurities, me and thousands of other husbands have an excuse for failing to meet the needs of our spouses. We’ve literally been saved by the Dal.”

When asked if his wife had acknowledged the romantic holiday, he was forced to admit that she had prepared his favourite upma for breakfast and moulded it into a heart shape.

Upon being informed that Jubilee Hills Police Inspector P Chandra Sekhar has vowed to quash any violence perpetrated by the Bajrang Dal, Chandrakanth grew irate.

“They should mind their own business. There is real crime in this city without police wasting time chasing my Bajrang Dal brothers. What are these loafers doing about all the stray dogs?”

Comments