The Greatest Indian History Lesson Never Told

Satire

The Greatest Indian History Lesson Never Told

Illustration: Akshita Monga

I

ndian history is fun! Of course, not for the people who were present during the time Ashoka’s armies were charging through India or during the Independence movement, but all of this would be forgotten once India entered the Golden Age. No, not the reign of Chandragupta and Samudragupta – India’s second Golden Age was brought on by Indian Prime Minister, Shri Narendra Modi.

The following chapter details the lives of one of India’s most celebrated leaders.

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The End of the Congress Dynasty

The Congress party of India failed in their role as monarchs in 2014. They stole a lot of money and got called out for it quite embarrassingly. India was ready for a change. In 2014, the Congress was replaced by a man who legend says would brew chai for the gods.

Spot quiz!

Give two reasons Congress failed to keep power:

– Rahul Gandhi is a sux

– Modiji is fully rox

***

The following segment will discuss the Great Modi Sarkar, one of the most illustrious kingdoms in the Asian Sub-Continent; its iron-fisted leader, Narendra the Bhai Modi; and all the saffron oompa-loompas that emerged in his wake.

Early days

In 2015, Narendra Modi was elected to a stunning victory, stunning especially since a huge part of the country didn’t end up voting for him. He cemented his power immediately by leaving the country for many photogenic international destinations. While he was on his world tour, a few people back home went a little batshit, banning all kinds of fun stuff. But the mood stayed in the Prime Minister’s favour thanks to both online and offline trolls. As a result, we had several Make in India movements, as listed below.

Make in India (Society and Military)

During the Great Modi Empire (2014-??) a plague was declared that seemed to infect a small (but vocal) part of the population overnight. The effect of the plague was believed to be concentrated in Lutyens Delhi, among wealthy English-speaking people who were also diagnosed with having “lost touch with ground reality” and the “Modi wave”. The infected people were labelled “communists”, “intellectual aspiring presstitutes” with a love for “Porkis”. The plague acquired a dangerous colour when in colleges across the country, commies gathered like anything to wage war against the nation. Luckily, the plague was contained by a man so great and intimidating that he was appointed military leader halfway through the Modi regime: Generalissimo Arnab Goswami.

Goswami’s plan was clear. He shouted so loud and clear that Pakistan backed out, waved the white flag, and offered India all parts of occupied Kashmir back. Anti-nationals within India surrendered by the dozen and the plague of communism was eradicated from India.

Indian Prime Minister Narendra Modi Visits Sri Lanka

“Together we can make a 56-inch chest”

Courtesy: NurPhoto/ Getty Images

Make in India (Science & Tech)

Circa 2018, a manned Indian mission landed on the planet Mars where they discovered the existence of Martians! Luckily the astronauts, Akhsay Kumar ji and Virendra Sehwag ji (the original astronauts were not famous enough to pull Indian crowds) immediately implemented a beef ban on the new planet, and inaugurated the Swachh Mars Mission by planting a shiny white toilet on the surface of Mars. A slightly awkward photoshoot followed, during which Akshay Kumar is said to have performed a sweet roundhouse kick to the toilet seat, and Sehwag said the first word on Mars: “Howzzzat”.

The Mars mission was soon given up for a more important task. Minister of Road Transport and Highways, Nitin Gadkari, met with Elon Musk of Tesla, and started a partnership called Thepla, which built Gujarati-snack-serving bullet trains and underground highways from Ayodhya to Lanka.

Make in India (Economy)

At one point in 2018, India wasn’t sure what money was anymore. Spurned by his initial success, the Prime Minister went on to demonetise 20-rupee notes into 15- and 5-rupee notes, and introduced a 183-rupee note. You couldn’t get much change with it, but it was the exact price of Patanjali’s “extra hardcore” yoghurt.

The RSS then proposed that we should do away with currency altogether and got Viveik Oberoi to star in their “Currency hatao, Gareebi mitao” campaign. Luckily Oberoi was not a big enough star to pull Indian crowds so the RSS and its friends returned to harassing people wearing swimwear on beaches.

***

All these Make in India factors combined with a surgical strike or two on the hundreds of thousands of commie libtards spread across the country eventually came to fruition in the early half of 2019. But this was sadly followed by a crisis.

Rehearsals For Upcoming International Yoga Day

“Wow. There is a lot of sugar in this yoghurt”

Courtesy: Hindustan Times/ Getty Images

The Great Tweet Crisis 2019

The immediate trigger came in the form of an ageing Paresh Rawal declaring he would tie his pet cat to the front of a jeep because he read somewhere that cats were worshipped in Egypt and he believed Egypt was a breeding ground for separatism. His Tweet was RT’d by:

1. Randeep Hooda
2. Virender Sehwag
3. Singer Abhijeet
4. Anupam Kher

But suddenly it dawned on the bhakts that there was no rebuttal. No libtard had countered this tweet with a declaration of love for cats yet. All commie anti-nationals had either had changes of heart or quit Twitter in despair.

By then India had clearly the largest population in the world, definitely the largest on Twitter. Soon Unesco was giving awards for “Best Online Troll” and “Most Likely to Remember Vedas”, there were contests for who could come up with the best torture techniques for Arvind Kejriwal, and fake pornbots for cows.

PM Narendra Modi is said to have followed the advice of Donald Trump, and banned Tweeting until everyone could figure out exactly what was going on.

This concludes the first part of the Great Modi Sarkar. Part II deals with the eventual formation of Akhand Bharat.

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