Baba’s Got Talent

Satire

Baba’s Got Talent

Illustration: Akshita Monga

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ver the years, India has witnessed a number of babas, but none as stupendous and bizarrely unique as Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Insaan Homo sapien. Baba’s appearance is so colorful and glitzy, it’s like rainbow coming to life. Stories around his life so outlandish, it would put Kim Jong-un to shame. And his journey from Insaan to Insane, simply mind-boggling.

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Unlike other babas, who have focused wholeheartedly on brainwashing, Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Insanji strove to change the cultural landscape of India, from movies to fashion magazines. He is not the godman we deserved, or even needed, but the one who imposed himself on our society. Pitaji’s 20-year jail term will leave a hairy, baba-shaped hole in not one but many universes.

Take the world of fashion for instance. Before Ram Rahim, religious cult heads had displayed severely limited imagination in choosing white, red, or saffron and growing great white beards. But Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh started the trend of growing shoulder hair, wore enough spandex to cover a small continent, and ran a fashion magazine that should rightfully be called “My Experiments with Jute”. Not many people know this, but apart from Virat Kohli and Stephen Hawking, even Anil Kapoor was inspired and blessed by Ram Rahim. Once they hugged at an event and paramilitary forces had to be called in to separate the two. Now one waits with bated breath to see how Baba Bling will pull off the black-and-white prison look. We can only hope he will top it with his signature, shimmery pink hat.

Fashion sense aside, Ram Rahim has also been blessed with the musical range of a drunk hippopotamus and has dutifully released music albums every year. He has played on stages that revolve magically and has the power to convert stadiums full of dhoti-clad men and ghunta-wearing women into mosh pits.  

In each of Ram Rahim’s movies, he solves a “problem” that plagues our society. But the courts have now pulled off a cruel prank and decided that the problem plaguing our society is he.

Ram Rahim’s secret is that he has shown scant respect for the laws of music, choosing instead to disrupt the industry with a random collection of sounds that emanate from his vocal chords. They are believed to have inspired the soundtrack of Annabelle and are being beamed up to space to frighten off extraterrestrial life, as I write this.

But the icing on the peda, the feather in the obscenely large, sparkly cap, the jewel in the psychedelic crown, is Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh’s contribution to the fraternity of motion pictures. He is to cinema what Baba Ramdev is to the corporate world. While Patanjali is about sanskari products, Pitaji is all about sanskari movies. When Eadweard Muybridge developed the first shot of a running horse in 1878, little did he imagine that the world would one day witness not one but four MSG movies. Since 2015, Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh has been the actor, director, editor, cinematographer, VFX supervisor, playback singer, art and music director, background scorer, stunt performer, makeup and hair designer, in five mega films – MSG: The Messenger, MSG–2: The Messenger, MSG: The Warrior Lion Heart, Hind Ka Napak Ko Jawab: MSG Lion Heart 2, and Jattu Engineer, and all have been superhits, delivering a fuck load of social messages with ratings as high as 8 on IMDB. Same as Oscar winners, The King’s Speech and Rain Man. Interestingly, in each of Ram Rahim’s movies, he solves a “problem” that plagues our society. But the courts have now pulled off a cruel prank and decided that the problem plaguing our society is he.

But now it’s all gone. In the flash of an eye. The premis have lost their pitaji.

Image Credit / Hakikat Entertainment Pvt. Ltd., IMDb

But popularity ratings aside, Gurmeet Ram Rahim’s movies have the magical power to make you think that you’ve snorted some top-quality cocaine without actually sniffing a line. When you watch scenes in which he stands on a lion with flapping wings, or blazes across the screen in a car named “We Luv Sat Guru”, or shoots electric laser beams from his forehead, you don’t feel the need to take drugs. Ram Rahim can make you laugh and he can make you cry. He can make you question the existence of God and the functioning of the universe. Jean-Luc Godard famously said, “Cinema is the most beautiful fraud in the whole world”, and no one epitomises that spirit more than Ram Rahim.

But now it’s all gone. In the flash of an eye. The premis have lost their pitaji. The movies have lost a superhero. The least you and I can do is observe a minute’s silence for the cinematic brilliance that we as a society are going to collectively miss while babaji languishes in jail.

Gurmeet Ram Rahim Singh Isaanji, #ThankUforThat.

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