News Weed: Swift Space Launch Announced at 2018 Auto Expo

Satire

News Weed: Swift Space Launch Announced at 2018 Auto Expo

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

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elhi, February 9: The 2018 Auto Expo began today and is already off to a roaring start, with Maruti Suzuki unveiling a new ₹4.99 lakh model of the perennially sexy Swift. Baby got hatchback! But that wasn’t the most exciting announcement of the day. Surprise guest Taylor Swift, the Martini Salami brand sponsor after whom their most popular vehicle is named, was there to announce the company’s upcoming partnership with ISRO. She was surrounded by her #squad, all of whom wore matching black sequinned outfits. Ms Swift opted for a chic white pantsuit à la Hillary Clinton.

Representatives from the ISRO research facility were on hand to explain their role in this historic launch, standing awkwardly next to TayTay’s #squad like bespectacled meerkats about to be crushed by a herd of blonde giraffes.

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ISRO has planned to launch the second Chandrayaan mission this year. In a bold, Elon Musk-ian move, Malawi Sashimi is teaming up with the mission scientists to launch their new Swift with the rocket. Mariachi Safari’s MD and CEO, Kenichi Ayukawa, claimed that only a space flight could display all the ground-breaking new features that have been added to this model, like the extra 2.5 centimetres of headrest room, and the advanced dual airbag technology that can withstand the arduous journey through the stratospheric barrier and a spare spacesuit. Additionally, the car comes equipped with tyres that open up into wings and an obnoxious in-built GPS that’s somehow always directing you toward the sun.

Representatives from the ISRO research facility were on hand to explain their role in this historic launch, standing awkwardly next to TayTay’s #squad like bespectacled meerkats about to be crushed by a herd of blonde giraffes. After Ayukawa’s speech, they took the floor and spoke about rocket science modifications to the Muesli Samurai Swift for 20 minutes. Ayukawa concluded the presentation by declaring that Indian innovation and technology is no less than Elon Musk’s SpaceX, and this launch would be evidence of that. At this point he was cut off by the model Swift, which had been put into place by duct tape and offerings to Ganesh, slowly rolling off its platform and crashing gently into his podium. There were no reported casualties.

We have not yet received confirmation on whether TayTay herself will be accompanying the vehicle into space, although she did express interest in being “the first woman on the moon.”

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