Person of the Week: John Abraham

Satire

Person of the Week: John Abraham

Illustration: Rutuja Patil

I

n the week gone by the news went from 0 to 100 faster than an Aston Martin after India announced that it had sent troops into Pakistan to carry out a surgical strike. It was the kind of story that Arnab Goswami’s wet dreams are made of, and got nearly as much attention as the iDadi videos on Twitter.

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Meanwhile, quietly vying for your attention, was the trailer of the new movie Force 2. And it was so outstanding in its message, relevance, and cinematography that we had to name John Abraham our Person of the Week. Bring out the protein shakes and rinse off your fairness face wash, it’s time for a party.

The trailer for Force 2, a movie about a RAW agent who feels no pain and doesn’t live by your rules of gravity, was released around the time the DGMO announced the strike in Pakistan, much to the delight of the filmmakers. For any proud Indian who can’t imagine what the soldiers must have gone through during the 10-hour operation, there’s always this trailer. Because, somewhat like the Pakistan strike, Force 2 is simultaneously super serious and super exaggerated.

In the beginning of the video, John is smacked on the chest with a wooden plank that leaves behind a huge rusted nail in his shoulder. But does he go crazy and drop nukes all over the attacker’s face? No. He shows great restraint and waits patiently before performing a surgical procedure to neutralise the threat.

It was time, he said, to put our foot down and show people what India can really do. He captured the sentiment of the average Indian so succinctly.

As a badass RAW agent, John Abraham has some stellar advice on how to deal with the whole Pakistan situation. For starters, he addresses violence-porn enthusiasts, who have been celebrating the idea that we might go to war, by showing off some sweet moves that they can try the next time they find themselves in hand-to-hand combat with Pakistani agents. Spoiler alert: It involves delivering a sweet choke slam through a glass table.

Abraham also sheds some light on ranged combat, by shooting bullets at pin-point precision at targets while hanging out of a moving car. Toward the trailer’s end, he is seen deadlifting a Mercedes sedan as his back muscles presumably curse the heavens for being in the situation. In the scene immediately after, we assume, he launches it at a Pakistani terror launch pad.

Entertainment journalists were quick to pick on the similarities between the trailer and the big news item. At the trailer launch, they asked John what he thought about the India-Pakistan situation. His answer was one that would make the BJP weep: He said he was proud of India because it was high time we responded to terrorism. It was time, he said, to put our foot down and show people what India can really do. He captured the sentiment of the average Indian so succinctly. Thanks, John, for articulating what everyone was thinking.

But before you think that John is one-dimensional in his approach to geo-politics, here’s the kicker. After the trailer he was approached by a fan who pulled the actor’s shirt and ended up drawing some blood. Abraham reportedly gave the fan a stern telling off, much like we’ve done with Pakistan. But later, when the fan went to the actor’s house to hold talks, John caved in and took a few selfies with him.

And just like that, he has given us a sign of what our next move should be. Maybe now that we’ve told Pakistan off, and shown them our tough side, we should advocate for peace talks. Maybe we could start a “Selfie with Pakistan” campaign.

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