Could Donald Trump’s Tweets Trigger World War III?

Satire

Could Donald Trump’s Tweets Trigger World War III?

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

World War I was triggered by the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand in Sarajevo. World War II was triggered by the German invasion of Poland. Back in the day, killing people and invading countries, it was believed, was mandatory  to get the entire world to pay attention to you.

But invading nations in so 1940s. Today, all you need to announce your supremacy over the world is Twitter.   

Adolf Hitler must be spinning in his grave. War is only 280 characters away. A Twitter account and a set of tiny fingers is all he would have needed, so he could have led the world to nuclear Armageddon from the comfort of his toilet seat.

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Oops, not tiny hands actually. Trump isn’t Mr Short Fingers; that’s just a conspiracy by the MSM and Fake News brigade. In fact, he has the bigliest, yugest hands in the history of celebrated hands. He also has the most money, the best ratings, the greatest hairstyle, and the strongest password ever. Everything Donald Trump owns or does is better and bigger than everything anyone else owns or does. Yes, he is no different from your pesky neighbourhood brat. Even Trump’s nuclear button is “bigger” than Kim Jong-un’s, and one “that actually works”. Believe him.

Donald Trump (71) and Kim Jong-un (33) have showcased the maturity of a seven-year-old in dealing with a conflict that could have disastrous consequences for the entire world. Like children fighting on the school playground, both have traded insults, with Trump calling him “short and fat”, and Kim Jong-un referring to Trump as a “lunatic old man”. The name-calling is so shallow and fast-paced that one needs to have their notifications on to keep a track of who has said what about the other. Just when you think you’ve read the worst thing ever, you need to just give the pair a couple of days more.

Trump’s Twitter persona is much like his real-life image – he is politically incorrect, offensive, and a blatant liar.

Donald Trump’s Twitter account is what you get when the uncle at the paanwala shop, who freely expresses his bigoted political views ends up becoming the president of the most powerful country in the world.

Having pissed off close allies, most media organisations, members of his own party and national security officials, there’s no predicting who is on The Donald’s radar. Trump’s Twitter persona is much like his real-life image – he is politically incorrect, offensive, and a blatant liar. One would think that being the president, he’d have more important things to worry about – you know, like how to ruin a country or two by triggering an internal war there – but it doesn’t stop Trump from tweeting about award shows, TV ratings, and “losers” at sports events.

We’ve come to a point where 7.5 billion people on the planet are now at the mercy of two heads of state with funny haircuts and terrifying personalities, who have access to nuclear weapons, and believe dick analogies make for good banter.

A nuclear apocalypse might be a good way to go out, and the timing is just about right too. But could we at least have some better jokes before we extinguish the candle of humanity?

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