The Condom Ad Ban Just Saved Indian Sanskar

Satire

The Condom Ad Ban Just Saved Indian Sanskar

Illustration: Sushant Ahire

I

agree with the government’s ban on condom ads on television from 6 am to 10 pm. There will no longer be awkwardness in the living room, parents won’t have to send their children to get water when the ad plays on screen, sparing them from the indecency. While we are at it, we should also ban deodorant ads and American sitcoms. Kamasutra might have originated in India, but that is not part of our culture. (Pakistan can have it for all we care.) Indian culture is all about threatening Bollywood actresses with death threats on prime time when impressionable children are watching.

When children wake up in the morning and switch on their TV sets (because that’s the first thing they do), they shouldn’t be exposed to sexually charged filth. Instead, they must tune in to spiritual channels and watch babas giving sermons on how AIDS can be cured if you visit a particular religious place and offer a banana. Ok, some Messengers of God turned out to be frauds, but should we let nine out of ten dhongi babas give the rest a bad name? Surely there are better role models out there.

In fact, children are entitled to better idols than the self-made Sunny Leone, the struggler-turned-superstar Ranveer Singh, and sporting sensation Chris Gayle, who are all ambassadors for condom brands. Look at Ranveer Singh’s dressing sense; is that what you call sanskar? If curtains will be worn as shirts, where will this end? Rather than such delinquents, children must look up to our politicians as hereos. The politicians who dismiss rape as “mistake” and say boys will be boys; those who blame chowmein for it. The politicians who speak about progress while calling each other names like neech and nikamma. If they follow parliamentary debates, children will also learn about the art of dissent and how chairs are thrown around. They might have to close their eyes on the odd occasion when our politicians start watching porn in Parliament, but then nobody is perfect.

Nothing brings the country together like pelvic thrusts by children on lyrics they don’t fully understand.

What exactly is the problem with condom ads? Simple: The visuals are indecent and the language used sleazy. Sexist language and objectification of this manner shouldn’t be tolerated, unless it is on Kapil Sharma’s show or a commercial “family film” offering from Bollywood like Golmaal. That is merely entertainment, allowing the entire family to come together and enjoy an item song.

If children do have a say in what goes on TV, it should only be regarding talent shows starring kids. Nothing brings the country together like pelvic thrusts by children on lyrics they don’t fully understand. Exploiting children is not a child rights issue, it is entertainment and TRPs.

Besides, why should the youth have to know about safe sex? India might be the country with the second-largest population, the third-largest population of people with HIV, and 1.6 crore mostly unreported abortions, but if we allow condom ads to air on television, our children will find out about taboo subjects like… sex and contraception. After all, if you never talk about sex, children will never discover it. Which is why a ban on day-time condom ads is the perfect way to tackle the issue. As some Hindustani wisely said, “Raat gayi toh baat gayi.”

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