Chikungunya vs Delhi’s Honest Mosquito

Satire

Chikungunya vs Delhi’s Honest Mosquito

Illustration: Rutuja Patil

R

eports of deaths from the recent chikungunya, malaria, and dengue outbreak in Delhi has raised eyebrows among intellectuals, liberals, and actual journalists, not only because Delhi is Utopia, but also because the news of deaths appears only in the shouting media who are known agents of Prime Minister Narendra Modi.

This outbreak has comes as a shock to Kejriwal and his Mango Man Sanstha (MMS) regime in Delhi, which has been instrumental in pushing up per capita income, honesty, and public service to levels never seen even in the most advanced solar systems in the universe. MMS medical researchers in Delhi have discounted even the possibility of chikungunya-carrying mosquitoes causing deaths in the region for two reasons:

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1) First, all original mosquitoes in Delhi are part of the mosquito wing of MMS. They have been vetted for honesty, and their degrees certifying that they don’t carry any malaria, dengue, or chikungunya, have been verified by first ASK, aka Ashutosh, Sisodia, and Khetan, the dreaded intelligence organisation that is entrusted with protecting the most honest man in the universe, and then, Kejriwal himself.

2) Second, while 20 per cent of the mosquitoes have been imprisoned by the Modi government, rendering them incapable of moving around, 60 per cent are in Gujarat, Punjab, and Goa. It is learnt that the remaining 20 per cent are in the border between Karnataka and Tamil Nadu, trying to douse the Cauvery crisis by spreading awareness, honesty, and integrity.

After a thorough investigation, ASK is now blaming Prime Minister Narendra Modi for the mosquito attack on the capital, saying that this was a new low for the Centre. Rubbishing reports that his ministers are incompetent, the Delhi CM reiterated that longevity in Delhi has gone up to 200 years. In fact, so sorted is Delhi, that its ministers are not even there. They are now searching for problems to solve across the world. In fact, one of them is in Finland (sources tell us) to help Nokia emerge as an “honest” business power.

It is learnt that after the internal report by the MMS medical research team was out, Kejriwal gave a go-ahead to ASK to swing into action. Once ASK agents got on the ground, things started unravelling fast. For example, several things were brought to the notice of the three top action directors of ASK.

While we have not got any reactions from Modi, unconfirmed reports say that this has raised a new sense of fear among insecure Indians from Kashmir to Tamil Nadu.

Modi was seen by ASK agents getting into a secret spaceship, exchanging pleasantries with aliens, and then coming out with two mini-flying saucers in one hand and a dhokla in the other. ASK agents reported that two other people, Amit Shah and Najeeb Jung, were present and held similar objects.

The next day, ASK agents intercepted calls between Modi and unknown character assassins chatting about the former’s Mann Ki Baat and the promise of “acche din.” Well, it’s no secret what that means – MMS-mukt Delhi through Kejriwal character assassination.

As they increased security around their beloved leader, one of the agents discovered what looked like an alien mosquito. Despite chasing it, the alien mosquito headed directly toward Kejriwal. Many an ASK agent died trying to stop the creature. Only at the last minute, after a battle worthy of the mighty Kurukshetra, did Ashutosh vanquish the alien mosquito. Scientists at the ASK research and tactics’ unit, studied the creature, only to realise that it was a high-tech alien mosquito drone. ASK bureau chief, Ashutosh, is now taking over Kejriwal’s defense personally, raising the defense alert level from Sulk to Angry. (Ashutosh as you know, irked the National Commission for Women, who are also alleged agents of Modi.)

While ASK has said that they will take this issue to all the mango men of this country, NCW has taken offence over the omission of mango women. While Salman Khan has sided with Ashutosh, Kejriwal has promised to take the fight back to Modi’s alien mosquito drones. He has called upon all the honest mosquitoes of Delhi to return to defend their territory. In fact, he announced that Friday, the 16th, will be celebrated as Independence Day for Delhi. And in a direct threat to Modi himself and all his cronies, he has promised to go thermonuclear if an apology is not meted out – he will make Ashutosh cry on TV again.

While we have not got any reactions from Modi, unconfirmed reports say that this has raised a new sense of fear among insecure Indians from Kashmir to Tamil Nadu. And they have been venting out their frustration by burning vehicles and jumping up and down. Hope Modi listens and calls a truce. One, after all, cannot survive a crying Ashutosh twice.

Footnote: As we have already stated, ASK is one of the most feared and efficient intelligence services in the world. It is even rumoured that ASK may have been one of the reasons behind the Russian invasion of Crimea due to some misunderstanding. It is learnt that the Russian agents, posted in the embassy in Delhi, once saw a decorated ASK agent (supposedly Somnath Bharti) leading hooker patrols wherein he was heard mentioning, “The African round is over; next stop – the Slavic countries.” Things took a turn for the worse when another ASK agent reached Moscow unannounced, raising alarm bells among bear-hugging Putin’s security team. With no other way out, Putin was forced to run to Crimea and in the process, overrun that part of Ukraine.

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