Arré Checklist: How Much of a Shithole is Your Country?

Satire

Arré Checklist: How Much of a Shithole is Your Country?

Illustration: Sushant Ahire/Arré

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ow much of a shithole is your country, according to US President Donald Trump? Six experts of the Ku Klux Klan’s “psy-ence” department set out to answer this question earlier today. Their findings were noted in an unusual English dialect, which used words like “bigly” and “totally” as adjectives, modifiers, conjunctions, prepositions, and, at certain points, even proper nouns.

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Criticism of the paper, which was titled “Can you accept Donald’s Dump?” poured in through the day from various confused heads of state and prominent academics. Later, the President responded to naysayers with an “eyebrow-raised emoji” followed by two “clapping emojis”. His own report was made public hours later. Here are some exclusive excerpts.

India

Ruled over by Mr Chester Bigly the 56th, this beautiful and lush country has many a field upon which to lay a brick. The people are chocolate-coloured and I like only white people really. India doesn’t like cheeseburgers, and I like them, there I said it. They are also good at math, which upsets me since I can’t count further than 10, the number of fingers on my yuge, yuge hands. But since Chester Bigly gave me a warm hug the last time we met, and they allow me to put up skyscrapers with my name on them in all their big cities, I would say this country is a fine shithole. Really, possibly one of the finest shitters I have ever seen, and I have seen a lot of shitters, believe me.

Pakistan

I love it. I love everything. I actually was the first person to love everything in the world, and the smartest one to do it too. But I do not love Pakistan. Do not love it. Why? Because I don’t know anything about it. In fact I’m going to tweet about how much I hate it right now… Suddenly I’m getting a lot of hate because I said I would cut aid to Pakistan. Here I was thinking aid was a terrible disease that needed to be cut out! A guy can’t catch a break! This is shocking behaviour. MSM. Climate Change. Taliban. Afghanistan. I-raq. Not a single Burger King. Sad!  

"Jackie Chan is a really good friend. In fact, he and I are best friends"

China

Jackie Chan is a really good friend. In fact, he and I are best friends and don’t let Bruce Lee tell you otherwise. I like China… the country, China, I like that they have a big giant wall. What I do not like, is their ruler Mr I Wish I Was Taller, always talking about how successful his country is. Who does he think he is? I’ll tell you what, I can make a cellphone too. In fact, I can probably make a cellphone that doesn’t make you poor. It makes you rich. Like me. Like my real hair. Mr Xi Jinping, your country sure is a pretty decent shithole. I would still not accept immigrants from your country though, your people are too skinny and it offends the people of America, who have the RIGHT to bear arms and be OBESE. Take that CNN. Peace out Obama.

United Kingdom of America

The UK has been a friend to America for many years. Unfortunately this great nation is now being run into the ground by a very nasty, crooked woman. Still, they’ve got one thing right. They will not let in just about anybody. I believe if you bring in people from shitholes, your own country will become a shithole. UK, you’re A-OK!

Africa

Africa is a beautiful yuge country, and Nambia is a nice place to enjoy a cup of covfefe. My sons, Don Jr and the other one, really enjoy it too. There are also many large animals to kill and cut up into pieces. That’s a real man’s sport, just like golf. It makes Africa a much nicer shithole to be in. I wish the Africans would stay there instead of bringing drugs and crime to America. Should we build a wall around them?

The report went on to describe more intimate details about Donald Trump’s life, including which brand of meth he used to create that thing he calls a son, and how many times he’s asked Ivanka to sit on his lap in the last three days. The full details can be accessed on the President’s personal Twitter timeline.

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