Arré Checklist: A Statement from the Karni Sena, Post-Padmaavat

Satire

Arré Checklist: A Statement from the Karni Sena, Post-Padmaavat

Illustration: Sushant Ahire

W

hat do y’all know about Rajput pride? Did you think we would let just about anyone make a movie about our queen, especially since we take our imaginary friends so seriously? No, sirs. You miserable sods should have known that what Rajasthan thinks today, India thought yesterday.

The fault in our cars

To begin with, a lot of you find it funny that one of our own cars was set ablaze by our protesters in Madhya Pradesh. Let us tell you a little secret. We burned one of our own members’ vehicles because Karni Sena don’t give a fuck. We Rajputs set fires with the frequency and enthusiasm of Gujaratis playing dandiya. It’s part of our culture. Most people would give a bad movie two stars on IMDb, but our women will commit jauhar en masse and call it a party. You think we’ll balk at a little property damage? Not on your life, and never on your wife.

Fuck the police

We be comin’ straight outta Rajputana! True Rajputs can’t be controlled by the nanny state. And don’t even get us started on the judiciary. Some anti-Rajput elements are trying to hold us in contempt in the Supreme Court. In case it wasn’t clear, we hold them in even more contempt, and we spit on the very concept of a Supreme Court. The only Supreme Court we recognise is the village panchayat.

Our government will forever be a monarchy. As for police, why do we need them? We are the greatest warrior clan in the galaxy, Jedi and Sith included. The Rajput Karni Sena are more than capable of protecting our great culture against any threat that isn’t Mughal. Or Turkish. Or British. You know what? Let’s just peg all of those tribes as tricky bastards for perpetuity.

We Rajputs set fires with the frequency and enthusiasm of Gujaratis playing dandiya.

School bus rock

Okay, so stoning a school bus full of children in Gurugram looks bad. But we’re just trying to prepare the next generation of Rajput warriors. The so-called GD Goenka World School teaches them wishy-washy values and some rubbish about “math” and “English”. Do they have a single class in Rajput history or on how to take Salman Khan hunting for a black buck?

These kids are seven or eight years old and have never even picked up a sword! Modern schooling has made them soft. We need our Karni Sena youth to be able to tap into deep-seated childhood trauma and channel that rage to protest Jodhaa Akbar 2: The Reckoning.

“Create your own myth”

Like the story of Rani Padmini, this quote is commonly misattributed to an overrated Sufi barbarian whose rhyme schemes were mediocre at best. It actually came to Rajendra Singh Rathore in a malaria-induced fever dream of 1972.

This important piece of Rajput philosophy is about the history of our clan. You might not find it in any books, but books are just glorified kindling we use to burn things (see above). Our noble heritage runs through our veins and is written into our genetic code. We don’t need “academics” or “experts” telling us what happened and what didn’t. We know better.

We hope this statement has clarified our position and intent. As keepers of the legendary Rajput warriors culture, we take our responsibility to the community very seriously. If this doesn’t work, we’ll be forced to cut our PR team’s noses off. Jai Rajputana!

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