A New Guide to Understanding Global Economy

Satire

A New Guide to Understanding Global Economy

Illustration: Saachi Mehta/ Arré

 

I

n an increasingly glocalised economic weather, you may find yourself reeling from jargon like supply, demand, benjamins, Sen (not Amartya, mind you), and the very latest entrant to the party – GST (General Super-duper-awesome Tax). You didn’t know this, but you’re missing out on the larger picture.

Advertisement

Understanding how the invisible behemoth of the economy functions is the key to transcending situations like recession or depression. Remember the Greek debt and the American subprime crises? It is what drove England out of Europe and the value of the pound out of every possible chart. In India, it’s what makes our bills longer than the Dead Sea Scrolls and forces us to philosophically mutter that everything was less expensive just five minutes ago. The economy is also credited as the co-producer of the chart-topping GnR record “Chinese Democracy”.

The thing about the economy is that it will affect you even if you are an ostrich with your head buried in the sand. Let’s say, in the case of an unintended inheritance situation that pops up out of nowhere, you really need to know how much it would cost to hide your granduncle’s body. So, let’s take a plunge like Uncle Scrooge, shall we?

What is the economy?

The dreaded “E” word came into existence in the year 1024 when Adam Smith, economist and inventor of the Smithsonian Museum, wanted to define what his profession really was. And just like that, a whole new industry was born – Economy Manufacturing.

This spurred the Economic Revolution of 1024. Bankim Chandra Chatterjee formed banks around the world. Financial institutions mushroomed in every neighbourhood. Money became the mainstay and ten promissory notes could buy you a whole goat and some fish. Humanity flourished. We sent men and women to space. We invented war as we know it. And nose boogers were a thing of the past. Today, we can safely say that we are smack in the middle of an unfair Advant Age.

Now that we have the basics out of the way, let’s move on to the real deal – Global Economy. The Global Economy is made up of the US Dollar Economy, Eurozone, Chinese Democracy, and the vast underground trade of slightly uneven seashells.

The seashell trade by pirates influences how currencies are valued around the world. Every country thus hopes for a good low-tide season as pirates can harvest seashells at an unprecedented rate and sell it to countries looking to bolster the value of their currency. The UK is said to have over 9 Trillion Billion pounds in seashell reserves driving per pound to that 100-rupee mark. Second only to Seychelles, with its seven seashell shores that shupply seashells to offshore shell companies.

If you are an American, Vote for Donald Trumpet and Make Economy Great Again.

If all that is a bit too mindboggling, we can easily understand Global Economy using an elegant mathematical equation called Keynes’ wHole Equation:

TM – Fd * PIR – (Mp + S + T) / X – P + SS + 20% GST

Where TM stands for Total Cash Money, FD stands for the Fiscal Deficit of any given country, PIR stands for the Prevailing Global Interest Rate, Mp stands for the Monetary Policy in that country, S for Simple Interest, T for Taxes, X for unknown market forces, P for Global Population at the time of calculation, SS for Seashell Reserves, and GST for General Serendipitous Tax.

If you’ve ever come across the phrase, “there is a blackhole in my pocket,” do refer to the above equation.

What can you do to fuel the economy?

An old adage rightly puts it, “Ask not what your economy can do for you. Ask what you can do for ignominy.”

The economy solely depends on you for its survival, upkeep, and growth. Every time you take money out of your pocket, the economy grows. And every time you put money back in your pocket, a puppy catches common cold.

Window shopping is a great way to boost the economy as it drives the perception that shopping malls are filled to the brim with people and helps the country reach out to big-brand retailers to set up shop there. So, go out and see the world, preferably from inside a shopping mall. Spending in the mall is encouraged, so take your kids along.

Buy seashells from government-approved seashell sales outlets only. Furnish your seashell ration card when asked for it to make sure you are not routing your money through Rucksack Fonzecho.

Start a tech blog using only five letters of the alphabet. It will show the world that your country means business, and they will give up their gold reserves to you out of sheer reverence.

If you are an American, Vote for Donald Trumpet and Make Economy Great Again.

How can you shield yourself from an economic crisis?

Prevention is better than cure! Actually, no. The Cure is better by default because there is no band called Prevention.

Your effort in the present economic climate should be to ready yourself for any eventuality so that you don’t end up in a local tabloid branded as an urban poor. Give up on education altogether as it causes unnecessary student loan burden. Encourage all your young relatives to do the same. Instead, you can become a wealth-creator by joining the workforce as soon as you turn 13 and reap tremendous rewards for yourself and the economy as a whole. You also get to mention that you dropped out of school just like Steve Jobs.

Forget the EEA. Forget WTO. Forget the World Bank. See how well those ghost movies are doing in theatres? Request your country’s government to put all its money in acquiring all of the world’s ghost reconnaissance equipment. Your country could be making ghost documentaries and a quick buck, all day, on the double.

In case of an unavoidable impending economic crisis, assume lotus position while activating all your chakras. Make your mind bigger and fill it with light. Expand your horizons beyond your cranium and become one with the economy. Encompass all the money, all the bonds, all the gold reserves in your mind’s light and steal it for your country in an Inception-like heist. All problems solved. Padma Vibushan in your pocket. Yoga FTW.

If your mind explodes given the risks in the above process, roll out the Good Super Terrific-tax (GST) on your citizens and rest assured that the country makes money every time the country buys something. BOOM! Instant Super Dan Bilzerian of all countries, thumbs up tip top thank you.

What is a manbun and how does it affect the econo…

Nope.

Comments