Arré Checklist: Four Reasons Yoga Isn’t a Legit Workout Anymore

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Arré Checklist: Four Reasons Yoga Isn’t a Legit Workout Anymore

Illustration: Shruti Yatam

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et’s talk about yoga, or as I like to call it, exercise for the lazy. This might disturb the chakras of those yogis who’ve become Insta-famous, but it’s true. It’s not that the ancient practice doesn’t have its health benefits, but our generation has turned yoga into a running joke. There’s now a form of yoga for every occasion, and in some of them, the surya namaskars have fewer health benefits than snapping your fingers. There’s plenty of examples for why I think today’s yogis are in it more for the laughs than the stretches, and here’s proof.

Ganja Yoga

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The latest trend to make me question whether yoga was a legit form of exercise anymore comes from the land of legal weed, California. At Ganja Yoga classes, participants arrive whenever they want, sample a variety of marijuana products while mingling with other stoners – sorry, yogis – before commencing an hour of yoga interspersed with smoke breaks. There’s another half-hour chill sesh after the class as well. This is not a workout routine; it’s Snoop Dogg’s Saturday evening with some stretches thrown in. I have a sneaky suspicion the only yoga being practised at these classes is shavasana.

Doga

There are plenty of good ways you and your dog can help each other stay fit – you can go for treks, jogs, or walks. However, rolling around on the floor at home with a puppy is not one of those ways. For an example of Doga’s “fitness benefits”, I invite you to check out the instructions for chaturanga asana:

Step 1 – Have your dog lay on its stomach.

Step 2 – Pet its back.

It’s that simple, people! Why not throw in some TV and work out your eyes as well while you’re at it? But always remember to keep them closed during the Heart-to-Hound asana.

Beer Yoga

For those who think that belching and controlling the urge to pee is what will take their calorie-burning to the next level, I give you Beer Yoga. It originated from Burning Man, where fitness levels are measured by how many mushrooms you can eat before you pass out, but is still an internationally marketed fitness trend. Some classes involve balancing bottles on your palms or head, which I guess helps improve your focus because of the fear of having to stretch on broken glass. The post-workout protein shake is replaced by a pint, because the fitness goal of Beer Yoga practitioners is presumably a dad bod.

Goat Yoga

Dogs aren’t the only animals who’ve been dragged into this new show. Goat Yoga is a new form of the discipline originating out of, once again, California, which makes me wish some of their legal weed was available here. Goat Yoga is practised by humans in a room where a couple of goats have free reign to climb all over the practitioners. That’s it. Not only is yoga for the lazy, now it’s proponents are too lazy to even properly integrate it with a gimmick, choosing to arbitrarily throw it together with whatever comes into their heads, which in this case was goats. Maybe the person who came up with this plan will have to perform a downward-facing dog over a steaming pile of goat pellets to realise what a bad idea this was.

I’m not the best person to be doling out fitness advice, but I am something of an expert on laziness. It’s much more enjoyable when you embrace it wholeheartedly, rather than trying to fool the world into thinking you’re still making an effort. Ditch the yoga as exercise pretence and come over to the dark side. We have cookies.

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